Early last evening I went to a “thing” that someone told me about. It was an event that I was told I wouldn’t want to miss. It was at the convention center, which is walking distance and halfway between my place and EXMS’s new apartment. I somehow missed the boat, got my events screwed up (was given very vague directions/instructions with regards to what the “thing” was). And I missed out.
But got a text from EXMS about doing something together. I told him that I was in his neighborhood, and he met me outside of his building. He asked me if I wanted to come inside, and even though I knew it would be torture, I said yes because I thought it might stir me up enough to tell him that I couldn’t go on like this anymore.
And I was right. He unlocked the door and let me in, and all I could see was “us”…all of “our” furniture, photos on the wall….all of it was us, and it made my stomach lurch.
He offered me a glass of bubbly (“our” bubbly), and showed me around the place, and offered me a seat. I sat for a moment, and then just got all sobby, and said that I couldn’t do it anymore. It just hurts too much. We need a clean break and time away from each other.
He said he’d drive me home. Or we could go for a roadtrip.
We ended up going to dinner, and I cried some more, and told him things that I’ve already said before. Perhaps I haven’t handled this breakup with much grace and dignity, but at that point I didn’t really care. He got frustrated with me for a few minutes (that whole bogging down thing from my last entry), and that sort of nailed it for both of us. He didn’t try to get me to change my mind at all. He nodded and said that it’s for the best.
He drove me home, and we sat in the parking lot for a little while. I stroked his head, and when I stopped, he took my hand and put it back on his head.
A couple more goodbyes. I got out of the car and turned and waved. Then walked into the building, up the elevator, crawled into bed.
And that was that.
And I’m more scared than ever. I must be strong now. It’s time.
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