I should just start writing normal entries and then add the “grateful” stuff later, eh?
I still can’t seem to snap out of anything right now. It is still so overwhelmingly heartbreaking that I seriously barely function. Tomorrow marks the one-month date since the incident leading to EXMS’s ultimately leaving me.
Yesterday I went to therapy and told MTT more deets on EXMS (as well as me). She keeps sort of shaking her head and saying how much HE needs therapy and that he is not a normal person. Seriously, no matter how much I try and tell her that I play a part in the demise, and certainly I do, she keeps telling me that it wasn’t me, it was HIM.
Fine and dandy, but it doesn’t make me feel ANY better. NO better. Nope. None.
He did say that he’d come to a therapy session on Monday. And I’m scared. My problem is that I keep this little sliver of hope alive, and I know that’s not helping matters AT ALL, but I just can’t help it.
I keep having crying jags that come on suddenly. At work, in the car, and especially when I tuck myself into bed.
I’m fucking up a little at work, but I did manage to crawl out of a pretty big hole today (thank GOD)…only because I HAD to, not because I’m immersing myself in my work. In fact, for some reason match.com is not blocked on my computer (it SHOULD be). Nor is Yahoo mail (it used to be). I obsessively alternate between yahoo mail and match. Not sure what I’m looking for. I guess to see if EXMS has changed/added photos, etc…which he does pretty regularly.
We had to talk on the phone yesterday regarding the trip to pick up his kids in NY. And after we talked, he immediately sent an email saying that hearing my voice made him happy.
UGGGGGHHHHH! What do I do with that? He has NEVER said he wants to get back together. And what would I do with that anyway?
Torture. TORTURE!
I hate myself a little bit. And I know that will never help the situation.
So with that, here goes the grateful part:
Tired now. So, so tired. Goodnight.
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