Not Really My Idea of a Summer Fling… in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

I’m struggling some more, and I can’t avoid OD any longer. EXMS and I were together over the weekend. Almost all of it. And it felt soooooooooo soothing. Again, like I rubbed salve on the wounds for a little while.

Don’t get me wrong…I know I’m prolonging the inevitable. I’m probably doing a lot of damage. No, it’s not the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life.

But it beats smoking. Maybe.

Why am I not pissed off at EXMS and telling him to go to hell? I think it has a lot to do with his willingness to go to therapy. He is completely dedicated to making sure he’s there and open to working on things with me. I don’t know if it’s going to do any good. I don’t think he thinks that there are adjustments that he needs to make (even though he says he KNOWS his mistakes). I’m pretty sure that he still thinks that everything is my fault (even though he says it takes two). Perhaps it is wrong, wrong, wrong of the therapist to want to see us together. Or maybe I’M wrong?

I’m cringing, waiting to hear “I told you so…”

And frankly, I think I’m going to say it to myself too. I’m not strong. I don’t want to be right now at this moment. I want to be soothed, and this is the way I’m doing it at the moment. I’m in hiding and blowing-off mode.

I even blew off TMG, and even though he was such a sweet guy in text message format, I didn’t like him in person. He was REALLY cocky and annoying (which I can’t figure out because his texts and emails were sugary sweet and uplifting), and he was actually pretty forward with hand-holding…which bothered me a lot considering he knew I was aching for someone else (well, just not HIM anyway).

Today, EXMS says that we are right for each other (even though he was the one who left, saying that we were all wrong for each other). Huh? I ask him why he thinks this now, and he says, “I just feel it.”

I don’t believe him. If he can up and leave because he didn’t feel right a couple of months ago, how can he say that everything’s right at THIS point?

I think that we’re both just easing that pain. A weaning of sorts. Whatever.

I think that when his kids come (mid-July thru mid-August) I’ll be able to ease my way back out. He’ll be very busy with them, and I’ve got a lot of travel coming up. Neither of us will be so alone and lonely.

Everyone says listen to your heart. I can’t understand what mine is saying. Or really, I can’t hear anything. And no, I’m NOT ignoring. I’m straining to hear.

Please don’t yell at me. Just kindly look the other way for a little bit.