Lately. in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

Yeah, so I escaped from reality over the Fourth of July weekend. Hung with the EXMS. It was actually really, really nice in most respects. Weird some of the time (like the fact that we encountered oh, maybe FIVE weddings taking place…wahhhhh!), but pretty laid back and sweet. I did experience feelings of guilt when the following people called and I didn’t answer back: (1) Mom and Dad—ouch…they’d invited me to their place for the festivities, (2) Best Bud, (3) Lovely Leah, (4) Julie—old neighbor and wonderful friend, (5) TMG—yes, came back into the picture after the “blowing off”.

Literally moments after I wrote that last entry, I had dinner with EXMS and we got into a dumb fight. I went home and didn’t talk to him for a day. Then we had dinner again on Thursday and spent pretty much every waking (and sleeping) moment together until I left for work yesterday morning. Again, it was nice, but left me feeling guilty and uncomfortable on the inside.

Like I said in the last entry, I’m going to try to wean myself from him when his kids are in town this month. I know he’ll be really busy with them (even though he’s hinting around that he would like me to be there with them—which scares me a bit). I don’t really have a game plan as of yet, but I know I’m going to need to make myself scarce and unavailable for a while.

It does feel good when I’m with him, but it’s that same feeling I’d have when I was with LDL, like I know I should be feeling good elsewhere…this guy has hurt me in a major, MAJOR way. But feeling good elsewhere isn’t working for me yet. Even when I do stuff with my girlfriends. Even when I’m alone. Even when I’m pampering myself (Christian Louboutin strappy black patent sling-backs…oh yes I did.). Even when I’m meeting new people. NOTHING feels good. Seriously, nothing.

And I know, I KNOW I’m supposed to do crap like “embrace the sadness” and blah, blah, blah. Feel it. FEEEEEEL it. Cry. Let it out, mourn, grieve, etc. etc.

And then be strong. Become a new person. Whatever.

Problem is, I don’t want to become a new person. I don’t wantsomebody or something else. My life’s trajectory was headed in one direction, fast. And I was so ready and prepared. And yes, I KNOW that life throws you curve balls and that things change. And change and change. Change is good, right? Change makes you stronger, better, more able to cope, right?

Why can’t I cope? What is wrong with me?

TMG says I gotta stop seeing him. He says it needs to stop eventually…that even if EXMS came around completely, would I really want a man who deep down didn’t choose me? But then, do I even trust TMG? I know what he wants. He says he only wants to be my friend with no expectations, but I see something else in his eyes.

So baaaah! That’s how I’ve been lately.