EXMS so wanted me to see the kids while they are here, and had asked me a while back to do a bunch of things with all of them.
Of course, I didn’t know if it was such a good idea, so I always answered back with, “We’ll see how it goes…”
Now, after he got all upset at our last misunderstanding and refused my offer of a ride to the airport, and even my email telling him that if there’s anything he needs while the kids are in town, that I’m available to help out (no reply), I’m coming to the conclusion that our interactions are over. The End.
I’ve been advised by EVERYONE (EVERYONE!!!) not to contact him any more (EVER!!!), and that just makes everything seem harder. Even though I know it’s not a good idea to see the kids and I would have probably had to say no anyway, it just sucks that the option is not even there. And when I say sucks, I mean it is this aching misery that yet 2 more parts of what was to be my future are gone.
On to the guilt part. Yes, there are things that I said and did in our relationship that I feel guilty about that will never be taken back. I inserted my foot in my mouth more than a few times…I realize now that they were in ways that hurt him (although at the time I didn’t realize it).
And yes, I AM chalking these things up to “lessons learned”, but aarrrrrrghhhhh! It’s so frustrating to know that there’s nothing I can do about it right now except be aware for the next time I might possibly be in the situation that I had right in my hands (engaged to a man that I love soooooo much??) and I let slip….and slip….and slip. And will I ever have that opportunity again? It will never, ever be the same. Do I even WANT it to be the same?
Two people (one here in OD and one IRL) mentioned that I sort of turned EXMS into God. And I’m ashamed to admit that they are right. He was the center of my universe. How and why I placed him there, I’m not sure. It wasn’t fair of me, and I’m so sorry I did. As I read and re-read the entries (some of them private even), I told myself over and over again that he is not responsible for my happiness. Yet I still let him be the barometer AND the source of how I was feeling.
He gets ALL of my energy, and that is wrong. I’m sorry I placed everything into his hands. Too much responsibility and pressure. I would never want to have to bear all of someone else’s weight. Sure enough, it becomes too heavy. OF COURSE, he dropped me.
Now. I do realize that these entries sound like I’m slipping deeper and not making progress. I think I’m at the one-step-forward, two-back stage. Sometimes I feel REALLY good–especially that I have friends who want to spend time with me and I’m just barely starting to have a good time (even if a lot of the conversation revolves around–what else?).
It’s time to start creating the new pathway. It’s time to start decorating the loft. It’s time for cleaning out the closet (make way for new clothes!). It’s time to go to parties and dinners and events. Time to start meeting new people, making new friends, perhaps going on dates?
I am reluctant about all of this, but I know it’s what I need–just to balance out the yuck of living in a 1/2 empty loft and sitting home alone grieving.
Gotta go. I’m headed to church and then a lunch and then a birthday party. Whee.
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