I don’t know. It makes me feel icky and black to write disparaging things, but these are the things I’m going through right now, and it has to come out. I have to get it out somehow, but I just wonder if writing this stuff out keeps it alive or if I’m throwing it up and flushing it so it will go away eventually?
I cant explain this blackness. Its the most disturbing feeling Ive ever felt. I can even SEE it, SMELL it, and describe it. Its like a thick, muddy, oily, disgusting thing. It covers me and I cant wash it off. It is smoky and dirty and sticky, and I feel like I leave a trail of it wherever I go.
I cant sleep in the bed anymore because it seems to produce the most bizarre, horrifying nightmares. So every night I curl up on the sofa with the TV flickering and drift off until about 3 or so.
And then it starts all over again.
I had a breakdown at work that I tried to keep really quiet, but I did have to talk to my boss. She was very cool and talked to me for a good hour about stuff, but I know that there are only so many of these times when you can pull the grief card or whatever and then you MUST suck it all up or the job gets shaky.
Went to the doctor to see about meds. Even got a prescription. But after doing research I decided not to screw with the noggin so much. I dont want to go the chemical route for the long term. I think its fine for some, but I just dont feel comfortable with it right now. Im super sensitive to medication, and the whole thing about upping doses and then trying to get off and withdrawal and all that stuff scares me.
As TMG says, this kind of pain has been around since the beginning of time. It was dealt with looooong before antidepressants. In order to heal, you have to work THROUGH the pain, not mask it or postpone it. Do it now so you dont have to deal with it later.
This week has been hard because Ive got big presentations at work. Ive been staying late at the office, and I was in the office ALL day on Sunday. Good news is, next week is vacation! I will take three days at home (Operation Clean Sweep) and then meet the girls in Napa for a wine-swill fest and spa weekend. Then, back to the office for one day. Then a few days in New York.
Stuff to look forward to. But I still have that nagging feeling about Thanksgiving week and want to plan something. I used a bajillion airline points for the flights for EXMS and me to go to Hawaii. I still have to call American Airlines to cancel that trip, but I think I want to go somewhere else. Or hell, maybe Ill just go by myself. I dont have a hotel as we were going to be on a boat the whole time. Not sure what to do.
What to do. What to do. What to do???
The road is bumpy. Im not used to this. Its been smooth sailing most of my life (though Ive worked hard for what Ive achieved). I dont regret trying so hard for my now-dead relationship. I loved hard and lost even harder. I know that I gave it my everything.
Still…
I am not enjoying this blackness, so why do I wallow in it? How do you scrape off this icky, yucky stuff? It is disgusting.
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