No, I am not the person I thought Id be today. I am trying really, really hard not to dwell on this as a loss. Ive read and heard and listened to everything I can possibly get my hands on or into my ears or locked in my brain. This is OPPORTUNITY!!
But the bottom line is, Im not well right now.
I am learning how to be able to put on a smile and laugh. Dont get me wrong, the weekend with the girls in Napa was wonderful and beautiful and I wouldnt have made it through without them. I laughed until I cried and we shared amazing, fun, incredible times (like we always do when were together). It meant the world to me. Really. I need to write another entry about it.
But this has not been a simple little breakup. It is a monumental pivot point in my life. And yes, I KNOW I have to either buck up or just shrivel up, but FUCK!! I am still so torn up. And these days there are moments of pure agony. And I hate to be weak. There are times when I am just so sick of myself and grossed out for feeling so sorry for myself.
And yes, I KNOW that this is normal and what Im supposed to be going through, but then the whole breakup was NOT normal and NOT what Im supposed to be going through and it spins and whirls and nauseates.
Yuck.
8.8.8 now my unlucky number(s).
But yes, we are past those dates. It is not my future anymore. Not even my present.
Ive obviously spent so much energy on one single scenario. Its just hard to turn and go in the opposite direction. And I was so ready to be someone that I dont get to be now. And its not JUST the person (EXMS) that I lose, its the person I knew I was going to be: wife, mother, step-mother, best friend, life partner, companion, etc. etc.
Its been 1 month to the day since we spoke our last words.
And I have to get past this.
And I have to be someone else.
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