Mixed Tapes and Twitches in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

TMG burned a mixed CD for me and gave it to me last night. It’s the most thoughtful thing I think anyone’s given me in a long, long time. He named it “The Beauty in Ugly” and there are 18 songs of lost love and hope for tomorrow and FU’s and personal jokes between us about relationships and things we’ve said and done together (mostly me crying and drinking and him listening and smoking, but still..). He said he’d make a liner note for me with a listing all the songs and I’ll share it here when he does.

I haven’t gotten a mixed….anything from someone in a long, long time. I think it has been since back in the mixed tape era. I kept a cassette that Jeff had made me (probably 15 years ago or so) in the car for the longest time, and would even listen to it from time to time. Such poor quality, but such sentimental value!

I adore that kind of stuff.

I seriously wish I was attracted to TMG. Sure, there’s chemistry because we’ve become super good friends at this point, but alas, no attraction on my side. Plenty of attraction from his side, however, and that is starting to make me a bit nervous. And I notice that I’m starting to play into that. I’m afraid that I’m taking it too far, and I certainly don’t want to take advantage, but he says that what he’s here for, so….hmmmmmm. What to do.

I have been honest from the get-go. I promise you that. I’m not teasing him (much), save for the joking since we’re now on that level. And he says that he STILL doesn’t expect anything in return. That just hanging out together is helping him get through his last brush with love. I’m just…cautious, that’s all.

I’ve finally started going through some piles of clutter that have accumulated since EXMS split. I threw some things to the side because I just couldn’t deal with them, and now I feel like it’s time to start to get out from under this before I suffocate to death.

I found a photo that I never showed him from a holiday party we’d attended last year. I never showed him that picture because it was kind of cheesy (work function photos are never really that cool, are they?), and it wasn’t a very flattering shot of either one of us. But it made me cry and cry because it was the “imperfect” us. I remember that night like it was yesterday. I remember how we were feeling. We were all ready to take our trip to Germany for Christmas and we were a little stressed but excited. I’m crying now as I type because I remember EXMS always wanting everything to be perfect. But I never loved him more than when he was imperfect, showing a vulnerable side. That’s what I saw when I looked at that photo.

And then I threw it away.

I found the gold seals for the wedding invitations. They are monogrammed “G” for his last name. I don’t need them anymore, but they were expensive. Anybody want some beautiful gold G seals? They are perfectly good, and I haven’t been able to bring myself to throw those away. What a waste that would be.

I found articles I’d torn out of magazines and printed from online searches about how to get along with your partner when you argue, and how to have a better marriage and blah, blah, blah. Toss. Toss. Toss. Although that’s not to say I might not need them for the next time (if and when), but I hope to never have to work so hard on a relationship ever again.

And I also found stuff I’m keeping: home decorating ideas, recipes, volunteer opportunities, etc….things that have nothing to do with the past and everything to do with possibilities for the future.

And speaking of decorating…

Had a fantastic time with Matt and Maddy on Thursday night. Matt is the one who broke up with my friend Gregory a while back (maybe a couple weeks before ours). They sold their house, and Matt moved into a much smaller place. I saw it for the first time on Thursday, and OH! What a dream!! It is reminiscent of a beautiful luxury boutique hotel. The decor is lush and quiet and dark, and the place is full of his amazing paintings. I was so inspired by his place that I asked him to come help me work on mine. He said he’d be happy to (including making a giant painting for this place!), and I am thrilled. He’s coming over on Monday to start the planning for my EXTREME LOFT MAKEOVER!!

I have developed this weird upper eyelid twitch in my right eye. It spasms every couple of minutes or so for about 7 or 8 seconds. This has gone on for a week now, and after about day 3 I kind of got worried and looked up the symptoms online. Apparently, it’s caused by stress (and possibly too much caffeine), and it is supposedly not a sign of any other medical abnormalities (except perhaps a brain tumor or something—kidding). But it’s weird, man. It’s constantly fluttering and I feel like people notice, but they say they don’t.

I need to get some more physical activity in today.

Off to run…