It’s waaaaay past my bedtime if I want to do my awesome run at the Louvre in the morning, but I feel like writing.
Today started out kinda weird (with the email and all–see previous entry), but it was actually a REALLY good day. Honestly, I feel like a heavy, heavy weight has been lifted. I feel like a corner was truly turned. This is the end, and I am finished with this part of this phase of my life. I actually feel STRONGER.
Now of course, I’m sure I’ll have some setbacks going forward. I’m sure I’ll still cry and be sad from time to time, but truly I feel different. Something major has happened and I KNOW now that trying to get back with EXMS will not work. And yes, I DID have some questions before. You know, second guessing myself and wondering if I could have done some things differently. But guess what? I KNOW now that nothing would have worked. So there is NO MORE work to be done where EXMS is concerned. None.
And I am actually glad that I took a bit of a sidetrack to see this clearly. As clearly as others saw it. Because truly you only know my side of the story. And now I see the whole thing with fresh new eyes.
I had dinner with an old friend tonight here in Paris. She left my company and moved to Philly a couple of years ago. She’s still in the same industry, so I see her in passing from time to time at trade shows, etc. We were happy to find out that we were going to be here at the same time. I hadn’t seen her since EXMS and I were a brand new item.
I told her the whole story over a couple of glasses of wine, and she was yet ANOTHER person who said that she noticed a bit of EXMS’s controlling behavior when she met him as well (this is a recurring theme, I’m finding during my postmortem research).
I wish she and I could have had more time together, but she had more work to do, and I really did too, but instead I’m tucked into my lovely bed with my lovely Mac getting ready to fall asleep and dream beautiful dreams.
Is it wrong to feel almost giddy about all of this? It’s weird, I know. But I’m big on closure, and this is the biggest one yet. I am free again. Not alone. Look at alllllllllll of the love I’ve gotten over the last four months. And believe me, if it takes the rest of my life, I want to bask in that love and return it in ways that I’m able.
I’m grateful. Really I am. I have been all along. I just couldn’t see through the fog.
Now I need some sleep. Morning seems to come so much earlier over here (um, duh…it’s 7 hours ahead of my “normal” time).
So goodbye, EXMS.
Bon soir, friends.
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