Really? I still haven’t figured out OD’s “new” format.
I want back in. I need to write. You would not believe the crap, and I wonder if it’s all bad, bad karma.
I feel confessions coming on (somebody stop me).
Work: Oh my LORD, you would not believe it. Work has completely consumed my life since going on a 60-day performance improvement plan. Yep! That’s me, the fuck-up, on PIP! I have never in my life been a poor performer. And now? I can do no right.
I know exactly where this is coming from, too. First of all, YES, I did neglect my work when my fiance suddenly walked out on me mere weeks before my wedding last year. And YES, I did go to my boss with concerns about not being able to concentrate and not making deadlines, etc.
And what did she say? Well, back then, she was nothing but a dear friend and all concerns and “don’t worry”s, etc. She told me that we’d get through this “together”…that she is treating the whole ordeal like a death in the family.
But then what happened? A recession, a comment from my internal customer, and a fear for her own job, AND a crazy, crazy BIG boss (Boss Party Pants) who went off the deep end and wound up in rehab set my boss spinning and by God, she would NOT let anyone or anything interfere with her precious, precious paycheck, so somebody had to take that heat off.
And I’m certainly not a victim here. No. I did my part to put myself directly in this position. And I’m desperately trying to get myself out.
But the problem is, I don’t know anymore what’s right and what’s wrong. Take today, for example (or ANY day for that matter). I had a HUGE and important meeting to lead, and I had to get myself prepared. Not only have I been preparing the paperwork for weeks, and I met with my team on it a few times in Europe (meetings lasting until 11PM, not even kidding). I’d reviewed with Boss a couple of times, each time making changes. And I had yet another review with her yesterday, when she’d asked me to make hours and HOURS worth of changes that needed to be done by 3PM today (time of meeting). Long story, she sat in on the meeting, and some of the ideas were VERY controversial and the discussions were NOT easy-going. It was so stressful (especially since I’d been working until 10PM and back at the office at 6AM, making changes up until the time of the meeting), and I seriously thought that she’d gone to get HR to FIRE me after that meeting.
BUT.
At 6:30PM, when we were both finally back at our desks, she wanted to review some more paperwork that I was preparing for another presentation that I have to give first thing tomorrow. Okaaaaaay.
So of course, she didn’t agree with some of it and asked me to go back and make changes. Fine. Fine….why aren’t you FIRING ME????
And then you know what she said??????
Do you KNOW WHAT SHE SAID???
She said,”that was a really good meeting you had this afternoon.”
What. the. fuck.
She then went on to tell me that all the comments were very constructive and helpful, etc. etc. etc…..and that it’s going to come in very handy down the road (as in September when we go through this process again).
And the last day of my P.I.P. is April 20th.
Meaning, why aren’t you FIRING ME?? And why are you speaking of the future and making travel plans, etc. for me?
I am soooooooo prepared to get canned, and yet I’m sooooooo clinging to my job and I’m trying so hard and barely holding on to my pride and…UGHHHH!
It’s making me sick and then it’s motivating me and then it’s making me sick and then I WANT to get shit-canned just so that I can have a BREAK from all this and get some much-needed sleep and some much wanted exercise and desperately needed mental healing.
I hate this so much. Make it go away.
DID I mention that I have ANOTHER completely different presentation to give tomorrow? And in my paperwork it states that if I fuck-up during a presentation or a meeting that I can be let go at any moment for any reason.
And then I think about what so many noters have said and what even my parents have said and the one close, personal friend that I have at work: who cares? WHO CARES?
If you get fired, you get fired and that’s that.
Hell, even my sweet Daddy-O, the man I most look up to got fired once. Oh yes he did! The man who can do NO wrong….he’s been fired.
In fact, we had brunch on Sunday and during our meal he told me the story of that fateful day in the 1970’s (smack in the middle of a similar economic situation) when he came home from work early and told us all to pack our bags, because you know what we were going to do????
WE WENT TO DISNEY WORLD!!!
Yes, we did! My dad got fired and on the very same day we left on a Disney World vacation!
Not only that, he got another job as soon as we came back from that vacay. And he had been completely taken off guard with that firing (no 60-day warning for him!).
So why can’t I just relax instead of trying to cling like a helpless little bug clinging to the windshield wiper during a hailstorm? Why is this taking over my life?
I guess the worst thing is the 60-day thing. I’d almost rather be taken off guard.
I’d also rather go to Disney World than have to give this fucking presentation tomorrow. But give it, I will. And I’ll be nervous (though I’ll be able to fake it) and sick to my stomach…but I’ll do it. And maybe I’ll be fired, and maybe I won’t (tomorrow), but I know I won’t really like it all that much, and that’s what truly sucks.
In other weird news, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen were in the office today for a meeting (no, not mine!), and I was in the hallway talking with a co-worker about something completely “serious”….and there’s Mary Kate just strolling down the hall like she worked with us! I almost just said, “Hi!”, but my meeting was much tooooooooo serious and important to do that! Ha!
I HATE this part of me. I HATE being such a shaky, insecure glutton for punishment.
Who gives a fuck about my JOB?? Sure, it’s “glamorous” and everybody wants to be in my shoes (at least that’s what Boss Party Pants tells me–that I don’t really deserve it, etc.), but I’m certainly not helping people with what I do, least of all myself.
If I make it through this 60-day thing (and that’s a big IF), I’m not staying for long. In fact, I’m already at peace with the thought of being fired. Like I said before, I have enough of a padding that I’ll be fine for a year, and I think I could sleeeeeep for at least a month.
OH!
Europe was good. VERY stressful, because all I could think about was trying to get this extra project done while doing all of my whirlwind traveling and what was going to happen when I got back (my CORPORATE-wide presentation the day after my return).
BUT! I had a GREAT time with my counterpart, Cindy. She’s really cool and soothing and I adore her.
And then more good travel with my other colleagues after Cindy and I parted ways. So it was all pretty OK.
AND! Next week is Los Angeles.
AND!! If I make it to April 17th, my company is sending me to the Coachella music festival that weekend!! Of course, the day after I get back is D-day….lovely.
What a load of crappity-crap.
I think I’d liketo be a photographer’s assistant for a while.
OH! AND!!! Remind me to tell you about the mysterious “Personal and Confidential” package I got in my office mail. From a VERY mysterious person.
See? I feel so much better already! Just writing this all out has gotten certain juices flowing again. Like a strange drug, this OD. Why don’t I realize that until it’s almost too late???
Note to self: write more. I’m serious.
Loading comments...