Easter, 2009. Oh my gawd. It’s 2009 already? I hadn’t really noticed.
What a weekend. Or should I say, what a NON weekend. There were two good things that came out of this weekend: I didn’t go into the office, and I saw my parents today.
The rest of the weekend was spent either nursing a hangover/sleeping/trying not to barf OR hanging out with TMG (which wasn’t a whole lot, but I did see him and his friend on both Friday and Saturday nights).
Remember TMG? The guy I met shortly after EXMS suddenly ditched me before our wedding? The guy who picked me up off the ground, dusted me off, and took me everywhere over the summer and into the fall…and even had a party for me for my birthday? The guy who sent me hundreds and hundreds of texts telling me how awesome I am and that everything was going to be okay and that I was going to heal from all of this and come out a stronger and better person? The guy who mixed 4 CDs for me? The guy who offered to MARRY me so that I could have the wedding that I always wanted and even offered to father more children for me (funny, but true!).
Okay, yes, that guy. He was my biggest fan when I was going through the breakup stuff and even when EXMS started talking again. And we’ve remained friends to this day, though most of the time it’s all through text messaging again.
So. We’ve still been texting, and some of it is silly and goofy and maybe even a little flirty (though he has been through two girlfriends during all of this, and I have no “squishy feelings” for him). And he even tells me that he loves me from time to time….just because we’ve been through so much with each other.
I told EXMS about him a few times and told him that I made some new friends while we were apart that I’d like to keep. And EXMS was not really excited about the whole thing, so I kept very quiet about TMG.
But then one morning while I was in the shower getting ready for work, EXMS snooped on my phone (touche, I guess) and found a bunch of texts between TMG and me and….well, nothing really.
You know what? It’s embarrassing to write all this out. I realize that EXMS and I have had the most immature relationship. It makes me cry, it really does. How stupid all of this is.
I know it’s wrong to try to stay with EXMS. I know it’s wrong to flirt with TMG (he is falling for someone else).
Karma is really catching up to me, and I am waaaaay too old for this. And dammit, all I want now is a boring, relaxing relationship with someone. All I want is friendship and love and good sex and dinner at home and movies and walks together and handholding and tenderness and honesty.
And I want a fulfilling job at a non-cutthroat place with people who care about what they are doing and not trying to claw their way up or in or whatever. I just want to do my thing with trust and knowledge that I’m doing a good thing.
I don’t want wild parties anymore. I don’t want drama in my relationships. I don’t want confusion and back-stabbing in my work.
Do I bring this on myself? I’ve had it allllllllll. I really have. And I know now what I really, really want and don’t want.
I’m sorry and embarrassed that my life has come to this. I simply can’t wait for my fresh start. I wish this thing would happen tomorrow at work. I hate dragging and dragging it out. I want it over.
I’m so ready for good things. People, I’m really, really ready.
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