Ok. Ok. Ok. I know I don’t have to talk about it because I will get so much shit about it, but here goes nothing.
EXMS WAS back on the scene. Where do I even start? I guess last I left off, I’d taken him and his friend to the airport where they left for a German Christmas with his kids and his ex-family (yes, he spent another Christmas with his ex-wife and her husband…staying IN their house this time).
I don’t know. We were getting along. I loved him (still do…*sigh*). But on my way home from the airport (I was driving his car), I found his work phone and snooped. And there were pictures of him and his little blonde on it and I VOWED to tell him to fuck off for good the second he got back into town.
And when he got back and I confronted him, he acted like it was no biggie and lied a little and made me think I was overreacting. Yada.
And then the job thing hit me like a rock. I freaked that I was losing my job, and there he was, a great, GREAT comfort to me. Told me everything was going to be fine…we’d get through all of this together. Was suuuuch a great friend. Took me out, made me dinner, soothed me. I needed it desperately. Even though we didn’t see a lot of each other because I was spending so much time at the office and then traveling, it was so good knowing that he was there–that SOMEBODY cared about me and what was happening with me.
He even gave me back the engagement ring. I wore it for a few days on my right hand. I just couldn’t yet bring myself to wear it on the left hand, but that was upsetting to him, and he TOOK IT BACK again when I put it in my jewelry box overnight. Said I wasn’t wearing it the way it was meant to be worn.
And.
I have been so damaged by the breakup that the makeup just wasn’t working. He was being so sweet, and that’s what I needed. But the second it got sexual, I closed up. Almost completely. I pushed him away time and time again. Couldn’t really even kiss him. Every time we tried, I don’t know. My parts didn’t work and my heart didn’t beat and I didn’t have butterflies. And I’ve NEVER not been able to get it up for ANYBODY! Even LDL. Oh wait, there was that movie director…and of course that relationship fizzled quickly.
It was freaking me out, but I couldn’t help it. I have NO libido. NO mojo. Nothing. It’s like I am numb. But not even numb. It’s like I’m disgusted by the thought of him sexually, but I LOVE him still. I love his company. I love his friendship. I love knowing he was here.
But he’s not anymore.
He has pulled the time-out card. Again. A break. Again. And it hurts. Again. Again. Again.
And don’t you DARE say I told you so, because I know so too. I just needed/NEED some comfort. And sometimes you take it where you can get it, you know? Sometimes you just do. And you reach for the most comfortable blanket. The one that’s broken in. The one that fits to your curves.
Unfortunately, I guess my blanket has holes and flaws, and though it feels good most of the time, the heater doesn’t work anymore. And I know (I guess I know) that it’s time to get rid of the blanket.
But it’s so cold, cold, coooooold out there.
I’m scared. My job is over. My comforter is gone. And the time has come for some kind of remodeling.
Things started to go to shit this time last year. If you’d asked me a year ago today, I would NEVER have guessed I’d be here. In this place. Life is so funny. Ha.
*edit* As of this day right now, the job is not a done deal. But it will be. I can feel it. My boss canceled my trip to Coachella next weekend, telling me that we don’t have the budget (not true) and that she wants me in the office more (this is a weekend trip!). Two other counterparts are still going. She’s not a good lair, but I didn’t call her on it because I…I just didn’t. I just don’t have the energy.
I saw Maria last night (of Maria and Crazy Tony fame). She runs the US office of a giant company based out of Hong Kong and I told her a little of my woes. And she said, “WHY didn’t you TELL me you were having troubles? We could have been looking for another job for you for months now!! You’ve got contacts out the wazoo!!”
She’s really the one with all the contacts/clout. But I’m hoping that she can help me out in the not-so-distant future. We drank bubbly last night and charged it to her company! After all, it was a business meeting, right?
The story will continue, my friends. I’m not laying down and dying. I’m just biding my time until I can rest a bit, gather my wits and YES! BEGIN AGAIN!!!!
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