The Firing didn’t happen today. I sat in my chair nauseatingly still when BPP came over to “chat” about the weekend with my boss. The chat was definitely loud enough for me to hear. It’s pretty much common knowledge that my boss had a party and I wasn’t invited. My counterpart was invited (red-headed Cindy), and she went. I’m ashamed to say that I’m jealous and just KNOW that she’s going to be offered my job as a promotion when I’m axed.
About an hour later, I was sitting in a staff meeting with the whole team. There are about 14 on our team. I felt another wave of nausea as we all sat down for the meeting, but soon I realized that I was contributing just as much as I normally do (which is a LOT), and even being praised for my good ideas (from people who are not in on the fact that my head is on the chopping block). That made me feel good and bad at the same time.
Later, I went to my boss and proposed a report I wanted to send out today, and she picked apart my ideas and made suggestions. It took me most of the rest of the day to change my course and use her ideas. I had a draft ready by around 4. I reviewed with her again, and she did some more picking apart and made more suggestions, and FINALLY by 4:45 it was ready to go.
But before I sent it out I had to talk with another girl who I was supposed to go to Coachella with. I had to tell her that I wasn’t going, and she told me that she wanted to talk to me. So I went to see her, and she said that she couldn’t tell me how she knows, but she KNOWS that my boss is after my head (but so far has not been successful). She told me not to “trust that bitch” and that she also knows for a fact that people have come forward to try to save my job.
While very nice to hear that there ARE actually people on my side, I already KNOW that if she wants to get rid of me she will. There are already things done that can be used against me. And that I’ve already come to terms with what’s going down.
I don’t know how I’m going to react when I get pulled into that room. I keep telling myself that I’m not going to react in any way: I’m not going to cry. I’m not going to protest. I’m just going to be thankful for the opportunities that have been given to me (10-years total with this place–I just placed the order for my crystal bowl, shit you not!), and I’m going to leave. I don’t have anything personal left at my desk (that I want to keep anyway), and I have the projects that I need to update my portfolio (still needs updating).
I’ve been semi-networking. Not very hard core at all. Like I’ve been saying for a while now, I’m just so very, very tired.
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