Okay, now were talking. This is the part of “this break” that I was truly looking forward to: the rest, relaxation, and sun. Im on the roof of the building, sitting in a lounge chair by the pool (yes, slathered in sunscreen). Got my phone next to me if anyone calls (right), and am just enjoying the hell out of a cup of coffee. Got a couple of books, but I think Id like to write an entry for now and then see how things go. Its actually kind of chilly up here. Come on sun, do your warming thing!
Lets see. Thank you ALL so very much for your notes on my last entry. Seriously, so much better than my therapist could have put it. You know Im not seeing her any more. I had to fire her when the shit hit the fan at work and there was simply no time to see her. Her location was so far out of the way, and she was pushy. And remember? She was the one who told me to keep seeing EXMS, much to my confusion about the whole thing. She was also the one who said that if I felt I was losing my job, that I should be seeing her more than ever. Um, right. She wasnt even covered by my insurance!! And at $135 an hour? I spent thousands on her last year and what did that get me? More confusion, more sorrow, and lost hours at work (which didnt help the Boss situation).
Right. So, back to your notes. The best. The absolute best. Collective You are SO RIGHT!! I deserve to be tired. I deserve the rest and relaxation. And yes, I will need to get right back on the saddle again, but not THIS SECOND! Im going to enjoy this time. And yes, Im going to have my moments again, Im sure. Similar to the last entry. But so be it. They dont last forever. In fact, they dont really last all that long. But I know I have bouts of sadness. Real, deep, icky sadness. Sooooo deep and painful that they almost feel good. Does that make sense? Like .getting it alllll out kind of satisfying. Im sure my neighbors think Im a total freak, because I cry sometimes. I cry huge, heaving sobs. But man, they feel .I dont know. The word really isnt good. What is the word?
Doesnt. matter.
Im so happy I have time to go to the gym again. For a while, I wasnt even going, and it shows. Yuck. I hate going into summer flabby. So now is the time to get back into the swing of working out.
I also had the privilege of seeing my friend Vanessa yesterday. She was working on a project with a friend of hers who just happens to live in my building. This guy was making a video for his latest beauty product, and they let me come hang out and watch and add a little constructive commentary. Was really fun to see! And nice to meet new people in the building. Plus, I met the CEO of the company (young and handsome guy), and we talked biz for quite a while. You never know where those connections might go, right?
From now on, every venture out of the house will be an adventure in networking! I know that sounds cheesy, but I dont care. I went to dinner with Lovely Leah and another friend on Friday night, and we ended up at The Ritz afterwards for drinks. And as we were walking to the bar to get a glass of wine, this guy comes up to me and says, I met you at Friday networking in [suburb]!
It was the FIRST person I bumped into at this place. Crazy. We talked for a long while, until I felt queasy and had to go (haha thats true! I literally got sick of talking to this guy and had to get out of there), but its no biggie, there will be other opportunities. I just think that was kind of amazingly odd. Still, networking nonetheless!!
Plus, I got two free glasses of wine out of the whole deal. Score!
Anyway, yeah. Im still bummed out about pretty much everything. But I also know that this is not going to last forever. AND I also know that it really is still up to me to create my own happiness. AND I also agree that sometimes good, decent people get the shit end of the stick while ugly, horrid, evil souls enjoy the sweet cream. Thats okay. Its life. Its not right to compare myself with anyone else. I cant help it sometimes, but I just have to remember that.
Its funny. I met this guy in New York once while trying to get some work done in a hotel lobby (wi-fi area). We were talking and laughing about stuff, and I shared some details of my perfect, perfect life with him (this was when I was super-happily engaged to EXMS, and doing extremely well at work, and had never had a bad thing happen to me a charmed, charmed life). And he told me that he didnt trust me. He told me that he didnt trust people who havent been dragged through the mud at least a little bit. It was so strange to me, and it actually hurt my feelings because I felt embarrassed to be living such an amazing existence.
But I get it a little bit now. I know the feeling of extreme and gut-wrenching heartbreak. I know now the disappointment and agony of losing my job and having to change my path completely.
And I cant wait to be able to have the feeling of climbing those mountains and coming out on top again. I cant WAIT!! And believe me, I know Im going to stumble here and there. I might even fall again. But if that happens, so be it. Ill probably cry some more. Maybe even a lot! But theres no way to go but through it. Im not strong yet. Itll come.
There. Thats better. I hated leaving that last diary entry up as most recent. This one fells much better. Im going to read a little bit now. Happy Tuesday!
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