I think its going to rain today, so Im using this time outside while I can. Maybe the rain will help me focus? Maybe it will make me feel cooped up and sad? I dont know.
Day 3 without contact with EXMS, and while it hurts like hell, its nothing like when he broke the engagement and left our place the first time. It is, however, much like reopening a gaping, GAPING wound thats been ripped open several times and has become infected and oozing with pus (gross analogy, but TRUE). Theres no longer a fresh, clean wound. Its an irritated, jagged mess that has all kinds of secondary wounds surrounding it and ugly scar tissue that was never allowed to heal properly. ICK! Its hideous!
And this time, the get-well sentiments are much different (I knew they would be, dont get me wrong, I dont expector wantthe same kinds of reactions as when EXMS left the first time). Because while it was EXMS who left the first time, Ive been the one allowing the wounds to be re-opened. I was the one who left them exposed. I even ripped my own stitches out a time or two.
Damn! I need one of those cone collars that dogs wear after theyve been fixed or had some other kind of surgery. Hah! Wouldnt that be great? That way Id be forced to let myself heal. Heal, wounds, heal!!
My parents had been calling me for over a week, and Id been avoiding them because Id been spending so much time with EXMS over the last few weeks. How shitty of me is that? So I finally got the courage yesterday to call them and tell them what was up. And of course, they were okay once I called them, but OH the guilt! It shouldnt come as a surprise that they hate him with a passion for what hes done and the mess we created. But I am their daughter, and they would have stood by me no matter what. If EXMS and I had run off to Vegas (like hed proposed at one point), they would have supported me (but in a much different way than we all would have wanted). I made my mom cry a little, but I didnt break down this time. Good sign, because I think Ive bawled to her every time weve talked about this situation over the past year. That gets old.
I got a rejection email from the company in Chicago. I was pretty sure Id get an interview out of the deal, but I didnt even get that. So, the wind is out of my sail a bit because theres not a whole lot out there. Even Suede, my Project Runway friend is out of work. We emailed via facebook yesterday, and though hes working on cool projects, nothing seems to be panning out and he tells me that the industry is in lockdown right now. Im getting nervous.
But it is June, and Im going to make an attempt to do this JuPoThiMo thing (kinda cheeseball, I know. But seriously, Ill try anything if it gets me out of this place. So here goes:
1. I feel better today about my decision than I did yesterday. Every day will make me stronger (please!! This has to be the case)
2. My lungs are thanking me because I havent smoked a single ciggy in over a month!
3. The rest of my bod is happy as well because Im getting back into the workout routine.
4. I am really enjoying some serious sunshine and the best café au lait right now.
5. I am ready and open for GREAT things in my life. I know that I have to keep my eyes and ears open for that to happen, so time to wake up and reclaim my head, my heart, and my soul.
And whoa! Here come the rain clouds just in time!
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