Ahhhh yes, and so where were we on my purgings of late? Oh yeah, trying to figure out why Ive made the choices Ive made. Hmmmmmm .I guess that kind of remains to be seen.
You know, when Im at home, alone, and I start to get lonely or emotional or extremely sad, I find myself saying, Im sorry out loud, over and over and over again. And for the longest time, it felt like I was actually saying it to EXMS, as if saying it over and over would make him hear it and know that I was truly sorry for my part in the demise of our relationship.
But perhaps I really should have been saying it to myself. I have been terribly hard on myself. I havent protected myself or made amends with myself for my choices. I tortured myself over my job and EXMS and didnt take care of myself AT ALL! I started making really unhealthy choices: eating poorly, smoking, obsessing, not working out, abandoning my running, neglecting friendships and family, my loft was a mess I just felt everything crumbling, crumbling around me. And I watched this happennot really helplessly, well sort of helplessly, but it was more like I threw up my hands and screamed, I GIVE UP!!!
And I watched it allllll fall down around me. It was surreal.
And today it feels like Im sorting through wreckage, which is strange as well. Because there are things that I dont yet want to uncover, dust off and take care of. Even though I know I need to. Its calm right now (thank goodness), but who knows whats around the corner? Looters? Brewing storms? A tsunami? I dont know, but I need to get ready!!
Loading comments...