Built Around a Lie in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

The first time I went to EXMS’s apartment, around our 4th date or so, he was still in the process of moving in (I met him about a month after he moved to town). He’d finally gotten his shipment from Germany, and still had a few things that he needed to set up and display.

I noticed some framed art that he was going to hang on the wall. He had some nice paintings, some artifacts from exotic places, and some photography. There was one picture in particular that really caught my attention. It was a stunning young nude woman standing on one side of a giant tree, and a tiny older woman who was obviously a photographer. They were looking at each other in this really interesting gaze. It was strangely familiar to me, like I’d seen it before, and I told him that.

And he proceeded to tell me that, yes, it was a fairly famous photograph of his mother taken during the time she was modeling. And that the older woman in the photo was a famous German photographer. And he pulled out some other, smaller photos of his beautiful mother…in some she was holding baby EXMS, in others, she was just this gorgeous blonde bombshell. I was fascinated.

During later dates, as we were really getting to know each other, I learned more of the story of his mother: born in Germany, came to US to model and do other [mysterious] work, met his father in New York, married, got pregnant, had EXMS, divorced, moved around with EXMS in tow all over the West Coast, crazy life, she drank a lot and lived a party-girl lifestyle and didn’t care for him very well (but I guess did the best she could), married and divorced again, modeled and whatnot (and would send EXMS to stay at other peoples’ houses while she worked), developed a severe case of bulimia, sent him out to play one day…told him not to come back until she said so, and the last time he saw her was when the paramedics wheeled her dead body away.

It was always so haunting to hear EXMS speak about his mother. Sometimes we’d hear a song from the 70s on the radio, and he’d tell me that his mom used to play that song, or he’d tell me how much he wanted to take his kids to Disneyland because his mother took him there when he was little and it’s one of his best memories with his mom. Or that certain things I did and some ways that I dressed reminded him of his mother.

Sometimes we even talked about what life might be like if she’d lived.

So when we moved in together, we decided to take his cherished photos and memories and combine them with my favorite pictures of my family and create a collage in the big room. It filled most of the wall, and was a really cool mixture of old and new photos of family and little pieces that we’d collect on our various travels, and things that meant a lot to us individually, but even MORE to us as a couple.

And in the center of it all, we hung the photo of his mother.

When people came over to visit, they’d always gravitate to our collage because it was one of the most interesting displays in our loft. There was so much to look at, but the thing that caught everyone’s eyes was the haunting picture of his mother and the old woman photographer. And I would always chime in proudly and announce that it was EXMS’s mother in that photo and that she was a semi-famous model (and “isn’t she gorgeous???”) and then point out the other pictures of his mom and then we’d move on to the other pictures. And everyone would oooh and aaaaah and for some reason I was always so bursting with pride when I went through that collage with people.

When EXMS broke my heart and moved out, I was so devastated, broken and discombobulated that yes, over time I went to his new place occasionally. But it always bugged the hell out of me because it was like he ripped half of me away and created his own space. He even had his own collage that he’d created in his living room with his ½ of the family photos.

But interestingly enough, the photo of his mother and the old photographer wasn’t in the middle of the collage. It was displayed separately on another wall. I didn’t even think about it…I was just torn and conflicted about even being there in the first place! It was torturous, but strangely comforting in a sick way.

Cut to Friday night.

I was meeting Matt and Vinnie at the cool hotel where Vinnie was doing some consulting work. I’d heard a lot about this hip, fairly new hotel, so I went a little early to check some things out before they got there. And then Vinnie sent me a text to tell me that they were running a little late, so I sat in the lobby to wait for them in a spot where he’d be sure to see me.

On the table next to where I was sitting were three books of photography: one on European photographers, one on [I can’t remember] photographers, and one on American photographers. I picked up the American photographer book and just started flipping through the photos fairly absently, because I was watching out for Vinnie as well.

As I was flipping and flipping, my eye caught something that made me do a double take, so I flipped back and forth and back again, and then I FOUND it!! There was the picture of EXMS’s mother! The focal point of OUR wall collage!!

So I turned the page to see the credits and it was very curious. I didn’t recognize the subject title, “Imogen and Twinka at Yosemite” by the photographer Judy Dater.

But as I thought about it, Imogen sounds like and old German name, right? And perhaps Twinka was a “stage name” of sorts that EXMS’s mother used during her modeling years (her real name was Gabrielle)? It could be. But I really wanted to do some research when I got home.

I’m ashamed to admit this, but I was so surprised to see the photo in that book and I wanted to remember what to look up, that I tore the page out of the book when no one was looking!! And as I was folding the photo to stuff it in my purse, Vinnie showed up, all bubbly, happy and kissy! I was still in a little bit of a daze, but we went on to have a fantastic night.

Don’t you know, though, that as soon as I stepped foot back in the loft, I pulled out that photo and got online and started in with the search. I found this blog entry, and this one, among some other articles, etc. I found out that Imogen was a photography instructor and that Twinka Thiebaud, the daughter of a famous painter, is very much still alive and well in Portland, Oregon.

And it just started a whole whirlwind of thought for me about how we built our whole wall collage around a subject that was a LIE!! A lie that I believed in so strongly and so passionately! I looked at that photograph so much and had such a strong belief about it and I turned it into a symbol of blending our families, young and old, alive and dead…and it was very, VERY important to me!

And I thought it was to EXMS as well.

But it was a lie. And if truth be told, I bet you a million dollars it was just a simple fib/fabrication from EXMS that spun out of control from his side. I bet he was just trying to impress me in the beginning and didn’t think that I would take everything he said at face value.

But that fucker LET me believe! He let mebelieve it all, knowing that it wasn’t really true! And I feel like such a CHUMP all over again! It boggles my mind, over and over. To think the things he made up, wasn’t 100% honest about, or just plain lied about.

The whole relationship was a lie. And that’s why it’s so hard to let go. But I’m doing it. I just wish I wasn’t so haunted.