A Little More…With Reasoning in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

I’ve been overwhelmed with notes the past few entries as I’ve tried to wrap my brain around the deal with EXMS (the whole deal, not just the weird lies, etc. I am trying to figure out why I had the reactions that I did, as well as what my role was in all of this) . I really do think I’m working through it, and I want to thank you again and a million times over for your thoughts. I know this is supposed to be a diary or journal, but the feedback is soooooo helpful because it’s from all angles, and I need to thank everyone for that.

I’m not trying to diagnose (though, with your help and a little more digging, I have come to a conclusion). I’m not trying to air laundry just to get a reaction. I just want to get it out of my system, learn from it and move on.

Thing is, I don’t think EXMS is a sociopath. I mean, you can look at the “lists” of telltale signs of sociopathic behavior, narcissism, etc., and sure, some of those descriptions fit him. Some of them fit ME. Some of them fit pretty much everyone in American society, you know? And okay, let’s say he really is a sociopath? What then? Regardless of the label, I know (finally!) that things will not change with him/us. Perhaps someone else is the correct combination with him. I mean, after all, he was married for 10 years and would have stayed married had his ex-wife not left HIM. He is very capable of having relationships, albeit unhealthy ones.

What do I think is the deal with EXMS? He’s a child. He’s insecure. He wants people to like him. He wants the mother he never got to have. He wants love and security. The guy never grew up and doesn’t know how to deal with life in a mature way. It’s really, really sad, and I do feel a great deal of emotion for him.

But I can no longer shoulder the guilt, sadness and confusion. My problem? I have always wanted to be the hero (perhaps the female version of the knight riding in on the white stallion?). I always want to be the one to show the poor souls that yes, there can be true love in this world, and I’m going to show it to you. And you’re going to be eternally grateful and love me like you’ve never loved before.

I realize, after trying and trying, it doesn’t work that way. I can’t correct a lifetime of someone else’s issues. I can barely even handle my own! I have to learn how to either work around/with these things OR walk away when it’s too complicated.

I shouldn’t have been surprised by the lie (see previous entry), because it wasn’t the first whopper he’s told. It’s just the biggest one that I’ve discovered so far (besides the match profile where he conveniently didn’t mention having kids or even being married before!). Here’s another example that I thought was kind of funny at first, but should have seen as another odd flag:

We met on match.com, right? And one of my profile pictures was of Chevy Chase and me at an event at the Sundance Film Festival. EXMS had asked me about it, and I told him all about how I went to Sundance for a promotional thing for work and I got to meet and be photographed with a bunch of celebrities. I had really enjoyed the experience and the time that I got to have with Chevy, and I LOVED that picture, so I posted it.

Long after EXMS and I got engaged, and we were planning the wedding, we took our trip to Germany to see his kids. We were talking about the wedding with his ex-wife and her husband one night at dinner, and new-husband asked, “is Chevy Chase going to be at your wedding?”

I nearly choked on my schnitzel! Huh?

And then he continued, “Well, Chevy is your uncle, right?”

OMG, EXMS actually told his ex-wife and her husband that Chevy Chase was part of my FAMILY!!! And apparently told them with enough seriousness and detail that it was believable! I had to laughingly correct the situation, but later I felt kind of weird when talking with EXMS about it. He didn’t seem phased either way…he was just kind of matter-of-fact about the whole thing and chuckled it off.

So yes, I certainly think that EXMS knew he was lying to me about the photograph. I don’t think he was duped by anyone into believing that it was his mother. Yes, Twinka looks VERY much like his mother (the other pix that I saw) in that photo, and I had no reason to doubt what he said. It just ooks me out that he LET me tell everyone who came over that it was his mother (including some very well established artists, and a VERY notable local photographer, for whom I have tons of respect). Ick.

And so…hell, I don’t know.

I don’t think it’s really worth my time and energy to dig further into this weirdness, unless…UNLESS more things pop to the surface. And I can’t imagine what they would be. He has no access to anything anymore: not the loft, not my bank account, not my car, not my work (ugh), not my friends (because he was never really into them in the first place), possibly my parents (but I can’t imagine what/why/how he would do), and I have nothing left of “his” over here.

It’s just that I need to remove this residue from my life, and digging further won’t help me do that. I truly think the best thing that I can do is simply purge (as you see here) and then flush.