I am severely depressed today. I can’t even get into recapping the Girls Trip. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons I’m so sad? Let down? It has to be.
It is the very end of summer, and I haven’t accomplished ANYTHING.
I am unemployed. I haven’t been aggressive about much of anything regarding work. Yes, I have done some of that freelance stuff, but nothing that has any kind of $$ attached to it. And yes, I did that HUGE project for that company I thought was going to hire me FOR SURE…that one threw me for a big loop. But I keep telling myself that I simply took the summer off to regroup and figure out what I want to do. Well. Summer’s over, isn’t it?
I am fucking around with a guy who doesn’t love me. Sure, that’s fun for a while, but after all is said and done and I’m driving back to my place to wash it all off, what do I have to show for it? Sore thighs?
I realize that I signed up for all of the above. I intentionally let myself slow down and relax over the summer (regarding work) because I was so beaten down by the firing and because I have enough resources to do that and not freak out over it.
I also intentionally let myself get into a sexual thing with K. because, well, because I wanted to. I wanted to prove a point to myself. And I accomplished that.
I am also “out there” dating, etc. and meeting all kinds of new people.
I am also futzing around on the internet all the time. I could spend hours and hours (and I do!) on facebook and then OD (just to name two sites). Just clicking and clicking and clicking. Not even noting a lot. Just hanging out.
And obviously none of it is making me feel good about myself.
And I know how the next thing I write is going to sound: I still miss HIM. I know it’s time to get over him, but I’m just not. I don’t need a therapist to walk me through this one (can’t afford it anyway), and I don’t need to fall in love with someone else. I just miss his ass. I KNOW we were no good together, but you simply can’t deny chemistry. What we had was volatile and drug-like. I still love him. Just like an addict.
I miss my old job. Cindy sent me a text from Rome a couple of days ago, telling me that she was thinking about me while sipping prosecco in Italy. I’m so freaking resentful that I did so much more work than she’s ever had to do at that job and she still HAS her job!! Don’t get me wrong, I adore Cindy. She’s become one of my very dear friends, but I’m just frustrated that I was fired because of some BULLSHIT!! And she gets to continue on and take those trips and SHINE at work.
I mean, it would be one thing if I sucked and never did my job and was an asshole. But you know (YOU ALLLLLL KNOW!!) how dedicated I was to that job! I am ALWAYS dedicated to my work. FUCK! I’m just so mad right now!!
I’m sorry this is all over the place.
And I didn’t want this to be a woe-is-me entry. But guess what? Maybe I did. And maybe I really do.
Bottom line is, I’m just trying to figure this shit out. I realize that personal tragedies are supposed to be learning experiences. They are supposed to teach you how to be a better and stronger person.
Did I really have it that easy? I mean, REALLY? Did the universe REALLY have to show me what it’s like to have my heart shattered into a million pieces in not one but SEVERAL different ways (love, marriage, kids and career)????
I know. I know. I KNOW!!
Obvious signs that I need to be doing things much differently.
Healthy. I want to be healthy.
I want a job that is satisfying. I want to be able to make a good living. I want to stand on my own two feet and be proud of myself and my product. I don’t want to be scared and I don’t want to procrastinate any more.
I want a partner who will stand by my side and even protect me. I want to know that he’s got my back and I want him to ALWAYS know that I’ve got his. I’m not even sure about the kid thing anymore. I just know that I don’t want to walk this path alone. I’m so tired of being alone OR being scared that I’m going to be alone if I take a few wrong steps.
I want to be a good, good person. I want to pull up and out of this and be strong and happy and good for something other than a quick lay or a laugh at a party or someone to point the finger at regarding work shit.
I know I have it in me to be a true, true success. I know it.
I’m just soooooooo tired right now, you know? It just feels like I spent 40 years of my life clawing and climbing to get to where I WAS just a little over a year ago. I mean, think about it: last May I had the perfect job and was at the tail end of pulling together a wedding with the man I LOVED! I worked so hard to get to that point. So VERY HARD!!!
And I just feel like I’m back to square fucking one.
Square Fucking One.
So tired.
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