I feel just a bit violated. K. spent a few days here in my loft. I’ll have to flesh out the reasons why later, but lets just say that there were times when he was here alone. He had some work stuff to do, and I should have known that he’d get on my computer, but I just didn’t think he really would, for obvious reasons…I’d NEVER just hop on someone else’s computer without asking first. He didn’t ask anything about getting on my computer.
As with other things, I tend to be little sloppy with my computer, and I leave a lot of windows open. I checked before I left that OD was not open (but it’s in my history). It wasn’t, but after I’d gotten home at one point, I got on to check facebook or something dumb, and there was an entry in a word document that had been minimized. K. had minimized it because I rarely minimize things, I just close them.
Bottom line is, I’m sure he read that document/entry. It would have been hard not to.
UGGGHHHH!!
How do I let these things happen?
I’m just annoyed and bummed about the way things are transpiring between us. I think we’ve been seeing each other about four months, and he does allllll the things that are “boyfriend-y” and acts like he wants to be my boyfriend, yet he STILL doesn’t want to talk exclusivity. It’s like a RELATIONSHIP is the white elephant in the room that he pretends he doesn’t see, and I should be happy that I’m free to see anyone I want (which I am, in a way…), but enough already.
Okay, I’m just going to write it out now. Let me know what you think.
K. invited me to yet another fun art event on Thursday. I am always very happy to go to these with him because they are exciting and simply dazzling to me. So many beautiful, intriguing people!
And as you know, he has the “handicap”–the breathalyzer in his car that prevents him from driving anywhere if he has even a drop of alcohol in his system. So we decided that he would drive to my place, go to the event, and then he’d spend the night at my place.
And that’s exactly what happened. All fine and good. Great, even.
K. a very late sleeper, and I like to get up early and get out an about. I had a gym class on Friday and some other things to do, and he’d asked if I wanted to have lunch and see September Issue with him after my workout. I definitely did, so I let him stay at my place while I did my thing.
I knew he had a bunch of phone calls to make for his work, but I should have known he’d want to get on my computer for emails, etc., and I should have just gotten out of everything and locked up anything remotely private, but I ran out of time and had to rush out the door.
Oh well, my fault. I mean, seriously. I’m sure he’s peeked in my closets and I KNOW he’s gone through some drawers, for sure, because he needed to find a pen to write something down. These are normal things that people do when they stay at your place and you’re not around, right?
I get it. Getting to know you and all. Not a big deal, these things happen and are actually fine with me when I’m getting into a RELATIONSHIP! Of course I want my guy to feel very at home in my place and I want him to feel free to roam around and grab things out of the fridge and look for pens in messy drawers. Fine.
But the thing is, he ended up staying for three FULL days without even going home (and yes, he’d brought a couple of changes of clothes). Again, all fine and good…when you’ve been dating for four months and you end up with relationship status, right?
Am I off base here????
So finally, I brought it up. And he’s all, “Stop freaking out. You should be just enjoying the moment and hanging out. I don’t want to discuss a relationship…it should just happen naturally.”
And I asked him how his other relationships have worked, and basically they were all over the place–he’s dated people off and on and his last girlfriend gained girlfriend status after around 4 months, but whatever. I mean, I guess we’re all different. Plus, I know it freaks him out that I bring this shit up. But again, we’re SLEEPING together.
I know this is all over the place. Sorry.
Bottom line is this:
1. I like him and I KNOW that he likes me a lot (or he did until last night, I guess. That’s another story).
2. We have been sleeping together for a couple of months now.
3. He does everything that a boyfriend does, but does NOT want that title.
4. We spend multiple DAYS/NIGHTS together at each other’s places.
5. We make vague hints about doing stuff together in the future.
And here are a couple of BONUS BULLETS for your eyeballs:
And I was shocked and wondered if he was completely drunk or sleepwalking, so I said, “[K.]? What did you just say?”
And he said it again, “I love you.”
I answered, “Are you asleep???”
He said, “I love you.”
He said it a total of 5 times. I’ve never brought it up to him because either (a) he doesn’t remember it, or (b) he’d deny it since he doesn’t want to be my boyfriend.
So here I sit, scratching my head.
OHHHHH! I forgot the very last part! Last night.
This time I got invited to a charity event, so I asked K. to go with ME. I knew there would be people there he knew, and of course, there was. We already had some weird tension going on because of all of the above, so I decided to limit my alcohol intake to 2 glasses of wine in a period of about 5 hours. K. drank like he normally does (which I now see is…a lot).
K. knew the president of this particular charity (naturally), and she was such a nice woman and sweetly asked me if I would model some STUNNING jewelry that was going to be in the silent auction. Well, how could I say no?
So I put on the necklace and earrings (which looked incredible with my coloring and the outfit that I was wearing) and made the rounds, sometimes with K. and sometimes just mingling around. It was all good fun, and I could see K. talking to a bunch of people between rounds at the bar [sigh].
So we’d meet occasionally and rib each other a little bit…he teased me about my modeling gig and we laughed and had what I thought was a good time.
But at the end of the night, his demeanor changed noticeably. And his ribbing changed tone and I could hear contempt in his voice. Not only that, his normally sweet pats on the ass turned into swats and heavy/hard shoulder squeezing.
I knew that he was trying to joke with me, but the jokes were searing.
It was hurtful.
I drove his drunk ass home and pulled into the driveway. I knew he expected me to come in and spend the night, but I just sat there with the engine running. He asked me if I was going home, and I said weakly, “I guess so, yes.”
[wimp]
And he said, “Okay, drive safely.”
He sent me a text to make sure I got home okay and then said goodnight, but now I’m alllllll confuzzled about, well, everything.
And I gotta go. Need to get ready for church and then I’m meeting another internet date for lunch.
[sigh] [sigh] [sigh]
I’m not excited, but a RAD will follow.
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