Hm. I think it’s time to ask for advice. I know this is a diary, but it’s so much more than that. You know that.
I’ve come to a crossroads with CC. He came back from Vegas yesterday and I picked him up from the airport. I was nervous before he walked down to baggage claim where I was waiting. I was wondering if I’d still find him attractive when I saw him and if that chemistry was still there. I can’t believe how nervous I was!
As he walked into view, I actually felt a flutter. He looked phenomenal, and I was so happy to see him. He was obviously happy to see me too.
Last night, we were supposed to meet my friend Annie who was coming into town from a business trip. But I got the dates wrong! So it ended up being just CC and me. Which made me happy because we could do all of our catching up.
We had a SUPER steamy time after dinner. I mean, one move a few inches to the right or left and we would have been having sex. I was all but there. I think he’s getting super frustrated with me. In fact, I sensed something weird with him as he was walking me to my car last night. Something seemed to change. I can’t put my finger on it, but he normally walks me down the hall with his arm around me, and then kisses me passionately in the elevator. This time, not so much. Weird, considering we’d come so close to having sex. So close.
We’ve now gone out on…what? Dozens of dates? We’ve come to the point where we either do it and move forward in an ambiguous way, or I could give him a list of my “demands” (?) and risk it all and quite possibly never see him again.
So here’s the deal. Here’s what I think I want:
Yikes.
Here’s the other option:
So. Do I put all my cards on the table and risk never seeing CC again, or do I take it easy and have amazing sex for a while and wonder and spin out of control?
It’s an obvious answer. I’m just not sure of the words.
And then it comes down to the Four Agreements that I wrote about a few months ago. I’m going to paste them here again:
1. Be impeccable with your word – Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
2. Dont take anything personally – Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you wont be the victim of needless suffering.
3. Dont make assumptions – Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always do your best – Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.
I need the words. I’m going to have to have this fucking conversation with CC and I’m scared of losing this cool thing that we have, but I’m going to have to do it–right?? Right?
Help!
Look, I realize that most mature people know how to have these conversations. I am a wishy-washy wuss who is afraid of hurting other people’s feelings. You see where this has gotten me, right?
Gotta roll. I have work today and then I also need to get ready for my BIG interview tomorrow!! This is HUGE, people…HUGE!
I love, love, love you.
*EDIT: I’ve been watching the porn, little by little, bit by bit. It’s cheesy but it’s sexy and it’s a bit frustrating considering my circumstances. I have no idea why Yoga Man gave me this move to watch. It makes me laugh and shake my head a little bit, but dammit, I’m super horny.
I feel guilty talking all this petty sex talk with all the stuff going on in Haiti. I’m off to make a donation.
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