C**K in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

Things are hectic and crazy and that makes the days FLY by. It’s truly amazing. I love it and I hate it. I get home from work physically and mentally exhausted. I don’t know what on earth I would do if I had kids. Or even a husband!! Though, a boyfriend might be really, really nice…

Anyway, on the days when I come home right after work I usually get home around 8PM (tonight was 10). Normally, I’ve already eaten something at the office, so I don’t need dinner. I usually sit down with my computer and check WORK emails! WTF. And then I seem to fall asleep either on the couch or in bed, depending on where I’m sitting at the time. On the days when I have something planned right after work? Well, that’s a different story that I’ll explain a little later and probably one of the other reasons I crash really hard when I don’t have something planned in the evenings/at night.

My biggest internal customer is a crazy lady. And I don’t mean that she’s a little eccentric…she’s like certifiably crazy and needs an adjustment in her medication (and that is a near-quote from MY boss). She’s difficult and particular and wacky. She has me jumping through hoops and sometimes running around in circles. She talks in circles and fits and is really hard to follow and comprehend. Her assistant is a little Mini-Me. Only worse.

Her completely redeeming grace is the fact that she’s so compassionate and thoughtful. I don’t know if I can explain. She’s one of those people who is SO passionate about what she does and cares so much about the success of everyone that you just WANT to do a good job.

Weird and exhausting.

Meanwhile, my own boss is the exact opposite. She’s very straightforward and does not tolerate bullshit, excuses, lateness, or any misunderstanding of the business. As it should be. She’s very hands-off. So hands-off that she’s not really aware of much of the hoop-jumping that is done around here.

AND. She’s given me the extra responsibility of covering for someone on maternity leave, which would be fine and good if I knew how to do this job blindfolded (even if I did it would be tough to take on the extra work), but the thing is, I’m still VERY much learning this business. Ugh. Not easy…

Especially since I’ve had to step on some toes in order to get some things done around here. I had to go work with someone on Friday who got so offended that I was telling her what I needed from her in very specific detail, and she looked at me incredulously and said, “I’ve been doing this for fifteeeeeen years!!!”

*huff puff*

In the end, and after a long struggle, she made the changes/adjustments and what do you know? It was brilliant! She got lots of kudos at the presentation. I just got to go home on time.

I suppose it’s no wonder I’m exhausted when I get home. I get so worried that I’m going to offend or drop the ball or let things that I don’t even know about slip through the cracks. I’m not struggling by any means, but I’m stressed.

I so wish I could tell you that all that sexy, steamy, dreamy stuff I’ve been alluding to in the last couple of entries was allllll about Massage Man, aka. The Shirt Ripper, aka. Tony the Tiger, aka. Anthony.

Alas. I haven’t seen him since that fateful night he gave me the most brilliant (and satisfying) massage I’ve ever had in my whole, entire LIFE (and will probably never, ever experience such bliss ever again).

This proves that even though I’ve now seen the most perfect body (and when I tell you his body is perfect, we’re talking Greek gods aspire to be him) twice doesn’t mean that the third time is going to be a charm. If I do see it again, well, then I’m the luckiest woman in the world. Not that I’m not already.

No. What I’m about to tell you will probably make you cringe. It seriously makes me cringe just to type it out, so I can only imagine what you’re going to think of me.

NO! Not EXMS.

[Hide your eyes, kids. It’s going to get nasty.]

But CC. I’ve been cc’ing him again. See?

Not only that. I’ve been fucking him. Sorry to be so crass, but let’s call a spade a spade here. I don’t even know how to explain it. It’s a very dramatic story and I’m too tired to write it down right now. It’s not that it’s a bad thing. No, not at all. It’s just not quite what I wanted. Or expected. All that time I spent not having sex with him…protecting myself until we became a “couple” dribbled down the drain when I finally coaxed him to “do me” one random Sunday night a couple weekends ago.

But I wanted SEX, dammit. And he was there.

See, something happened after that delicious near-all-nighter with Tony the T. It’s like my body woke up from a bad dream and remembered how wonderful a man’s touch can be. It was intoxicating and exhilarating. My thoughts became a little obsessed. In fact, I thought it must be a little like how a teenage boy’s brain might work. I became achingly excited at the most random times.

And there was CC. I knew he wanted it, so BOOM. I gave it too him. Or rather, he gave it to me. Fine. There. We broke that seal.

In the meantime, there’s Mikey. Yup. Another one in the mix. I’m now dating Mikey. We’ve been out maybe seven or eight times. And even though we haven’t officially done the deed, I’d say he’s going to be another notch by the end of this coming weekend.

I like Mikey. I like him a lot. I also have to say that his body is as much of a turn-on as Tony the T’s. In fact, in FACT….

Oh, I’m just going to come right out and say it. Because as much as I thought Tony the T’s body was the best I’d ever see for the rest of my life, well….oh god….Mikey’s compares closely…but….oh man….(earmuffs!!)….his cock. HIS COCK. I’m sorry, but it’s the most spectacular thing I’ve ever seen. In. My. LIFE.

I could go on and on and on about that big, beautiful creature with a life of its own. But I won’t because, um, hmmmm. I’m not sure I feel the passion. Or rather, a whole lot of passion from him.

I can’t explain it. It almost feels like we’re all searching right now. Every person I have in my life. It’s like we’re all in the same place. We’re all kind of lonely and we all want to meet a great partner and fall in love. I feel it. It seems to ooze from all of us…these people I’ve surrounded myself with lately.

I feel like we’re all trying to fill a void. But instead of getting those tingly, excited (but kinda innocent) feelings and twinges (that I love, love, loooooovee), it feels a bit like we’re lashing out at each other with our hands and our tongues and our genitals. Oh sure, it feels good. It feels gooooood. And it truly IS exciting and tingly. But in a different way–certainly not in an innocent way.

I know this is a phase. I know it for sure. I’m pretty sure it’s part of my healing process. And I’m definitely not complaining.

But I’m not truly happy.

I feel like Mikey has a lot of potential, but there are things that I don’t really like about the situation. To be quite honest, it’s pretty purely logistics. I mean, he lives about 45 minutes from me and has his kids 50% of the time. And while those things are not dealbreakers–not in the least, they feel a little inconvenient. If we were TRULY gaga over each other, those things wouldn’t be an issue at all, but right now they kinda are.

Good news is, he’s putting a lot of effort into seeing me. He travels every week and has his kids every week and he still finds time to ask to see me during what little free time he has. Very nice. He definitely puts more effort into this thing than I do.

Bottom line is, I’m enjoying things. I’m getting my needs met. Not all of them, but some pretty important ones that I’d kind of forgotten about a little bit. I feel better about myself. And I feel sexy. I feel like I’m getting a lot of attention. That part feels really good right now. I’m pretty sure the rest will fall into place eventually.

I don’t know. I hope the above came out like I wanted it to. In a way I feel like I’m doing what’s right for me at the time, but it also feels a bit selfish. On the other hand, I feel a little bit more empowered than I have in a long, long time.

Plus, cock! I mean, hello?

Ugh. I’m exhausted after writing that. I need to get up early and do it all over again. In fact, I need to go into the office early. I’ll come back and finish my thoughts in the next entry (I hope).

I know I do this all to often, but….

Some things I want to write about:

Meantime, get some sleep, people!! I love you LONG TIME!!! XO!