<– See previous entry to read about my current dilemma.
Didn’t sleep very well. My “friend” with whom I’ve been communicating via text is expecting his answers first thing this morning. I’m going to have to think of some kind of excuse. I’m thinking of putting him off, telling him that I had meetings all morning long (not far from the truth).
Ugh. Just a sticky situation, and I know what’s right…and I could give him some bogus information, but I think that would just feed him and make him ask MORE questions. So I’m going to have to start with the Bambi eyes and go from there.
But now something else is bugging me, and it’s feeding my insecurities regarding my sparkling brand new relationship.
See, my baby’s on another biz trip, this time he’s in Alaska, and he had a business dinner/night out and I really wanted to talk with him about this situation at hand.
I just knew SexyPants would understand from a business perspective, and I knew he could give me some sound and solid advice. But I didn’t want to interrupt his night and bug him with my issues.
Yet….I felt like, hey, he’s my boyfriend and this is an issue that’s really important to me.
I started to text, but then I deleted. And I did that about three times last night. He usually texts me a couple of times during the evenings when he’s out, but last night I didn’t hear anything (he’d called me around 7, but my problem didn’t really start until after that). I thought for sure I’d hear something so that I would know it would be OK to just send a little tidbit letting him know that I wanted to talk, but the time difference is 3 hours, and I figured he wouldn’t text because he thought I was asleep.
Regardless, it ate at me. I wrote the previous entry and got some great advice (as always, thank YOU!!) just to get it out in black and white, but I also wanted to hear his viewpoint about the whole thing, also because he’s been in my friend’s position and I wanted to hear that side of things as well.
And it bugged me that he told me that he’d text at some point and he didn’t.
Now. Believe me. I certainly don’t want to be the clingy girlfriend, but I don’t know. I felt almost like he wasn’t there for me when I needed him and he even TOLD me that he’d text me later–and yet, for the first time in our new relationship, he didn’t do what he said he was going to do.
*sigh*
Stupid, I know. But it truly is the little things.
I just sent him a quickie email. He’ll get it much later this morning–after I need to have an answer to SalesMan.
His silence also brings up another insecurity in me. The Hate-the-Playa insecurity in me. Listen, he’s a sexy, sexy man. And super friendly and super flirty. And I know how these guys operate. After all, I’ve been on the receiving end of those hot, hot business trips and the traveling executives.
See what I’m getting at here?
I’m slightly bothered by his Out-With-The-Boys ways. And the only way I know to get through these thoughts are to talk with him about my insecurities.
And that’s going to bring up the BIG elephant in the room, which is the fact that he had a HUGE affair while he was married to his second wife. I know, I know. He’s talked quite a bit about it with me, and I do have an understanding of what all went down. It would take me all morning to write about it, so you’re going to get a lot of omission right now and hopefully I can either suss it out eventually on these pages, or not.
Regardless, I feel a big talk coming up when he gets back from Alaska.
Oy, the dreaded talk.
Bottom line is, I need to be in a monogamous relationship. It’s a must. Yes, we have decided to be exclusive, but “exclusivity” sometimes has different meanings to different people. I don’t have a problem with him being flirty (which EXMS would consider cheating). Not at all. In fact, I LOVE that about him. You know, I LOVE to be flirty too!!!
I just want to make sure we’re on the same page with everything. The affair is a gigantic red flag with me (really,the only red flag right now), and I just feel the need for some clarification with us.
Now, off to shower and begin my busy day and deal with my personal dilemmas.
I can do this. It will all end up OK. I just have to process and plan before I execute.
Love you more than whiskey!
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