Juneteenth in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

Well hello there!  I thought I’d spend some procrastination time doing something productive.  Like write an entry, maybe?  I like that idea.  I don’t feel like I’m documenting my life enough lately, and things just seem to slide on by. 
 
I want to savor this time in my life.  I don’t think I’ve EVER been so happy.  I really don’t. 
 
Work’s been crazy, and I’m a little bit nervous about what’s going on.  I feel like my plate is overflowing, and I could truthfully work all nights and weekends and never finish.  I’ve decided that I’m only one person and I will only get done what I can get done during a normal work week (with a few exceptions).  I’m going to do my best to manage my business and then balance that with a healthy, healthy sex life (ha!).
 
I’m working on a project that should (hopefully) get me back to NYC on a pretty regular basis!!  We’ll see how that goes.  I’m campaigning to lead a new project.  It’s a collaboration with a Conde Nast publication, and I’m super excited about it.  Not so excited about the fact that the editor I’ll be dealing with is a lot like the devil who wears Prada, only surprisingly, she does not even come close to being nearly as fashionable. 
 
Still, I’m hoping and striving for the best.  A new project to lead, more travel, cool product to develop, and maybe some exciting fringe benefits (Fashion Week stuff?).  We’ll see!
 
Speaking of exciting benefits, I love my honey sooooooooo much!  I’m so serious.  I love SexyPants more and more and more with every single day.  I know I say this every time I make an entry now, but it’s so incredibly true.
 
Seems like every day we talk a little more about our future together.  Tactical things…like our living situation and where we might want to live in a few years after we’re married and we know what’s going on with The Sitch (will write about him in a few…).  We talk about what our lives will look like in the future.  We discuss our tastes in furniture, food, friends, etc.
 
We share our dreams and disappointments.
 
And we even do silly things like take relationship quizzes!  I think we’re both so excited that this is such an amazing experience we’re having with each other.  Both of us tell each other that we never knew that we could have such a great level of communication, the same sense of humor, the same types of ideals, the same sex drive…the lists just go on and on and on.
 
And no, not everything in the world is perfect.  I guess when we get to a certain age and have had certain experiences (kids, divorces, etc.), well of course there is a bit of baggage that we carry into relationships.  And just because I haven’t had some of those experiences, that doesn’t mean I don’t have baggage.  I guess that my bags are just easier to carry.
 
I’m sure that makes our relationship a little easier.  You know?  I mean, what if I also had a troubled teen or a kid who wouldn’t speak to me or a series of divorces, etc. 
 
Regardless, SexyPants LOVES to talk things through.  He loves to resolve issues.  He’s a problem solver and does so with sensitivity, creativity, humor, and grace.  He is efficient.  He is wise.  I respect the hell out of him.
 
The Sitch (his son) continues to worry me.  But I’m so glad he’s in a treatment center that deals with troubled teens.  His therapist has recommended 6-12 more months of intense and full-time treatment.  I feel guilty saying this, but I felt relief when SexyPants told me that last week.  That means The Sitch will be another year older if and when he comes to live with US.  And let’s be truly honest with each other here, shall we?  I really hope the best for The Sitch, but I also really hope that he recovers enough that his mother will want to take him back into her home.
 
SexyPants and Ex-Wife2 are battling out custody issues via their lawyers right now.  Ugh.  It’s getting a little ugly, and while she won’t come right out and say that she doesn’t want him in her home, it is implied.  I have a feeling (and I’m hoping) that if treatment lasts longer, The Sitch will get much better (please!) and that she’ll want him back the majority of the time and we will take him on an every-other-weekend type basis.
 
Don’t get me wrong, I like this kid.  And he REALLY seems to like me.  He wants me to  visit as much as I can…and I have been to see him at the facility a couple of times now.  It’s not an easy thing to do, to be perfectly honest.  I mean, this place is basically a mental ward (for lack of a better term).  The Sitch and I have our moments.  He is very, VERY good/sweet/charming with me.  But I know it’s because I’m a novelty.  I know it’s because I’m his dad’s fun and happy-go-lucky girlfriend.  He knows his dad loves me a lot and that he can get to his dad through me.  I get it.  The therapist gets it.  He (the therapist) did have to explain it to SexyPants, however, because SP is so very, very, deeply in the thick of things.  I’m glad he spelled it out that way.
 
But see, The Sitch continues to have a hard time—even at a treatment facility.  He can’t seem to pull himself out of this entitlement thing that he has with the whole, wide world.  He thinks the world owes him…well, everything, and if he doesn’t get his way, he lashes out at anything and everything in his way.  Walls, doors, people.  Doesn’t matter.  He gets physical.  And this kid is HUGE.  He was adopted at birth, and is bigger than SexyPants and he’s only 15.  This kid has much more room to grow.  We (SexyPants and I) both see potential for him to be a great basketball player!
 
Anyway.
 
Then, there is the estranged daughter, which concerns me as well.  Of course, I don’t know the whole story.  I only see SexyPant’s side.  But from what I know of Ex-Wife2, the daughter also thinks the world owes her.  And Ex-Wife2 lets her believe that SexyPants abandoned the family.  I don’t think SexyPants and Estranged Daughter have spoken in about a year.  It breaks SP’s heart, but he’s tried and tried.  I hope that there’s some movement there in the near future, but it also brings about some unknown for SexyPants and me. 
 
What if they start their relationship over?  I really, really want them to be close like they once were, but what will that look like?  Logistically?  Emotionally? 
 
I don’t know.  What I do know is that the world is always changing—just as relationships change and evolve.  I know we both need to be flexible.  We need to be prepared to roll with certain punches and know how to handle or push back with others.
 
As for my own unborn child/ren, well, I feel like I have come to some sort of peace with the fact that my ship is leaving the dock.  There are a few, final lines that keep the boat tied, but I am slowly undoing those knots and I do think I’m letting go.
 
SexyPants has broached the subject of a vasectomy, and I didn’t quite know how to answer, so I asked him to let me think about the possibilities and let the topic digest before I could tell him exactly how I felt about having a snipped significant other.
 
Well, the topic came to a head this week (no pun intended), when he discovered, quite painfully, that he had a kidney stone.  Not just ANY kidney stone, mind you, but a gigantic one that would never, ever be able to pass through normally. 
 
So SP had to go in yesterday and get a stent inserted into his…you-know-what (OWWWIIEEE!) so that they could go in, bust up the crystal and take out as many chunks as possible.  I believe the rest he will eliminate, but I’m still waiting on confirmation on that as he was Hydrocodone-d quite a bit during my questioning of the procedure. 
 
Anyway, before the process, I asked him if he could have had the “V” at the same time as the penis-insertion process, and he said that yes, he could have, but he didn’t feel like WE’D come to a good and final conclusion on the subject.
 
So.  While we haven’t completely resolved the issue, my heart melted just a tiny bit that he has not come to the absolute decision on his own.  He is truly taking my feelings into consideration, and I love him even more for that.
 
However, more than likely I will tell him that I will be fine with The Snip if that’s what he decides he wants to do.  As you know, I’ve been back and forth on this subject since EXMS…and even before.  And as you also know (as some have very clearly pointed out), my eggs are not getting any younger.  I’ll be 44 in 4 months, and 45 is my cut-off, period.
 
I’m still mulling the thought, but as I do, I get a little older every day. 
 
And I still adore babies.  I just don’t know if they were in the stars for me.
 
Regardless, I’m happy and healthy and couldn’t be more thrilled with life right now.
 
Onward….
 
I love you!