Well, well. Back again to share some more details. At this point, I’m going to need to write as much as I can and get some feelings out…
I am getting so excited about The Wedding and being SexyPant’s wife! Yeah!! We are just soooooo very good together that we can’t believe it most of the time. I have never been treated so gently, sweetly, wonderfully in all my life. I know for sure that SexyPants is the one for me.
And of course, with SP comes SOS. Here’s where it’s just NOT going to be easy at all. For those who don’t know, SOS is SP’s adopted son (I tell you again that he’s adopted because of the mental issues that I believe are not only hereditary from SOS’s birth parents, and also the fact that his birth parents were both drug-addicted and met in drug rehab).
SOS will be living with us full-time, probably starting in March or April. We were both hoping that he would ride out the full school year, but as the institution where he is staying now has a waiting list, I’m sure they want to get him out as quickly as they can.
What this means is that SexyPants and I will need to get him into school here. He definitely needs to be in a special school that can handle his needs/issues, and he will also need after-school care. We are also going to have to find help for me when SP travels, as I do not feel comfortable staying overnights with him alone.
Here’s my dilemma: SP sees SOS’s issues from the lighter side. He thinks that SOS will be fine and grow into “normal” teen roles and ultimately live a “normal” life, going to college and being gainfully employed, etc.
I see it differently, and there are many, many clues that point to it. I have expressed some of my fears to SexyPants, but not all. I don’t want him to think that I’m not supportive, and of COURSE I want SOS to grow into a socially well-adjusted adult.
It’s just that I’m still scared.
SexyPants let me read an email from his psychiatrist at the place where he is now, and it is so troubling. See, SOS’s mother does not want him in her house because he got violent with her. This terrifies me. In fact, the letter from the psych said that SOS is afraid that he’s going to hurt me too. SexyPants is blowing it off, telling me that he would never do something like that again and that he was completely provoked by his mother.
OK. Fine. But here’s the deal: I told SP that I just don’t think I could live day to day wondering if TODAY is the the day that SOS flies into a rage and hurts me. It’s like living every day in fear.
And I will remind you that this kid is HUGE and has huge mood swings. One moment he is charming and funny, the next moment, argumentative and shaky….I’m always feeling that he’s going to fly into a rage at the drop of a hat.
Granted, there has only been one time. And he’s only had one “incident” in the several months he’s been at this place.
Yet…I don’t know. I don’t want to bug SexyPants every day about my fears. I don’t want to be fearful. I don’t want SOS thinking that I’m scared of him. I don’t want to be his mother–I don’t want to be anything like his mother.
But we told him last week that SexyPants and I are getting married and that we are all going to be living together, and that was troubling to SOS.
Guys, I’m having a lot of trouble wrapping my brain around this, and here’s why:
The kid adores me in a very special way, and I love that. Here, I have the opportunity to make a BIG difference in the life of a mentally-challenged boy. I will have a stepson, and he is open and willing to have a relationship with me. I LOVE that idea…
But is the fear going to get the best of me? Am I up for this challenge? This could be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to tackle in my life and if I don’t face this challenge, I will forever be wondering what I lost.
Because, see, SexyPants told me that he would understand if I don’t want to go through with this marriage because of my feelings. He says that they are valid and if I can’t deal with it, then I certainly don’t have to. There are certainly choices that I can make on my own.
I’m thinking of finding a therapist (though I don’t really want to–every therapist I’ve ever seen has given me such conflicting information that I’ve never really felt “better”), but I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know where to turn. I don’t know how to build the confidence in myself and with SOS that we can have a harmonious relationship and that he can and WILL turn out to be a semi-normally functioning human being in this society.
I’m scared, and I don’t want to be. I want to be strong. I want to be an amazing role model. I want to rise to this challenge. I want to make my true love proud of me. I’m so scared of failure. I terrified that I will flee at the drop of a hat or the first feeling of tenseness.
How to I break out of this? How do I work on this?
I need to get my shit together and grow up. I want to face this, but I’m also scared of the responsibility. I have been free to do whatever I’ve ever wanted to do in this life so far. I truly want to make a difference…but I also want SOS to be able to make the difference as well, you know? I can’t help him if he is pretending to be good and then doing crazy things when our backs are turned.
What a dilemma.
In other news, the wedding planning continues. It’s going to be a stunning wedding. I want the marriage to be just as wonderful. I need help!
Gotta run and get in the shower. I’ve been sick as a dog for two days and SexyPants had to take an emergency trip. He’s coming back later this morning and I’m going to get more lovin’ from my man.
I love you!!!!
GS
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