Fudge. I had almost a whole entry written out and then my silly computer decided to freeze on me, causing the entry to *poof*. Guess it’s all for the best as I felt like I was starting to write in circles. Lets see if I can get this thing going again.
So. For much of the early morning I thought it was Thursday – the day I have a million yucky meetings in the morning and then a normally horrid conference call in the afternoon that I need to scramble to prepare for. Imagine my relief when I discovered that it is actually Wednesday! Happy Hump Day to me!
Problem is, now I’ve relaxed enough that I’m going to have to scramble this afternoon anyway. Give me an inch… *sigh*
And, later this afternoon/early evening I have to meet with my couples counselor…only this time, solo. I think it’s going to be reallllly interesting. I think he’s very curious about me and my background. You know, the whole what’s your story and why have you had two broken engagements, etc. What’s your family history, etc. We’ve never met solo before. I’m looking forward to talking with him, but I’m also very nervous.
Meanwhile, things with SexyPants and me are as good as you can possibly imagine. No, not perfect. But we make each other happy, and that’s important. SP has spent months and months working on himself, meanwhile I am working on some things myself.
I mean, sure, I’ve gotten myself a new place to live and brought back a kind of a sense of security to myself…a comfort level of sorts, but I’m still pretty bruised and quite gun shy. I haven’t reached out a lot to my friends because of one reason or another. Even though I feel really good about being with SP and doing things with him and even with other couples, it’s still sometimes shaky ground we walk on.
I will tell you, though, that SexyPants does NOT let my insecurities (or his) shake him. He does NOT let me fall. He has done so many, many things to show me that he will make sure I never get hurt like that again. Will we have bumps? Sure. Look, I can either roll with that or not. I know that there are NO guarantees. I just feel at this moment in time, our good outweighs those bumps. I see a noticeable change in him that I need to see sustained. But in the meantime, we are treating each other well.
I’m wondering about the future. I wonder where we’ll be in a year.
Things are very interesting with SOS (SP’s son), and I have a lot of thoughts about mental illness. It’s not pretty, but maybe it’s me. I spend waaaayyy too much time and energy on these thoughts. I think it’s because there’s no real fix. More on that soon.
Here’s the thing: it would be easy for me to take complete control of my life, but then life would be so…controlled, you know? I have spent my entire life trying to gain control of every little aspect. I think a lot of it is important, but some of it is not. I can ONLY control my own actions and reactions. Sometimes I’m not very proud.
It would be so nice to be PROUD (all caps) of many things in my life. I need to work on this.
With that, I’m off to my counseling session. Good luck to us both!
I love you!
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