Funny how I wanted to write so desperately during the OD Outage of October, and now I’m kind of eh.
I have a ton on my mind, but I don’t really know how to get it out.
I’m not happy with things here at work, and I need to either get a new attitude about it (most likely right now) or get on the ball and find a new job. Not too motivated to find a new job right now, but the attitude thing I think I can muster.
Went to the gym last night for the first time in a million trillion years. It was weird. I went to a weight-lifting fitness class and I could see my muscles hiding under this thick layer of fat. As I looked in the front and side mirrors I was reminded of those photos that you sometimes see of celebrities who’ve let their bodies get out of shape. I’m in there. I know I am. I just have to scrape this layer off.
It sucks. Every time I get in shape I vow never to let myself go. It’s harder now. I’m approaching 45 years old (next week)! Every time I go through this cycle I see my body taking on weight differently. In my 20s and 30s, I gained weight in my hips, thighs and arms. Now in addition to those areas, I have taken on a ring around my midsection. I’ve always had a very tiny waist. Now, not so much. It’s frightening how easily I can lose it all. And it’s harder and harder to get IT back.
Must get IT back. I will get it back, I promise. It just sucks starting over and over again. The full-length mirrors at the gym usually get me back into this [dire] mode, and it’s working.
The Elephant in the Room: SexyPants and I have NOT been discussing SOS and the fact that he’s approaching some kind of release from the mental hospital. He’s been getting weekend passes, and while that is fine and good for him (truly, I DO care), it’s not my thing anymore.
Guys, I just do not want to hang with SP and his son for lengths of time. I can tolerate SOS to a point. In fact, there are times when he is downright charming and semi-delightful. He’s even hilarious sometimes.
It’s just the unpredictableness of it all. I cannot stand not knowing when this kid will finally blow. He’s no idiot, and he has NO impulse control. If he wants something and can’t have it, he is capable of throwing giant-sized temper tantrums that take 6 people (hospital staff) to restrain. I am NOT going to get in the middle of a tasmanian devil situation – even if it is only the POTENTIAL/THREAT of one.
So, if SP is determined to let his son move back in with him, and it appears that’s where this is going, then I have no choice but to distance. It’s not a matter of comfort, it’s a matter of safety and my own mental state.
So, I say SP and I have NOT been discussing it, however we brooched it at lunch today. We have a lot to discuss. It may be the second ending for us. It may not. We will see.
What it will NOT be is the ending of ME. I will not let whatever happens with SP and me become another tragedy in my series. I know it’s become boring and eye-roll worthy. I get it. I do it myself. And who knows, perhaps it may even be a success story. But whatever it is or is not, it is going to be OK. I know this.
Boundaries. I’m getting there, OK?
Newsflash! Got an email from [awesome high-end fashion company] where I’ve been DYING to get my foot in the door today! The HR person is interested in talking with me and we have scheduled a phone conversation (interview???!) in a week.
Pleasepleaseplease let something come of this!! Need to plan something extraordinary for our phone call, but I’m not sure what. Hmmm…something that will help me stand out. Probably shouldn’t say that I sometimes write diary entries in the middle of the day, should I?
Heh.
Excited also because I’m meeting my friend Cindy tonight for dinner. Haven’t seen her in forever. We’ve been doing our separate things – you know, a little of this, little of that. She has been going through a breakup and spent a month in Costa Rica on a yoga retreat and I’m excited to hear about any and all revelations she’s had in the last couple of months.
Was ALSO invited to another arts event tonight by my new friend Susan, but it would have cut my time too short, so I had to back out of that one. Bummer. Hope that we can hang out again soon. She’s fun and I need new girlfriends.
Haven’t spoken to Best Bud in almost a month, and it’s my fault and I’m embarrassed. The short of it is, I can’t bear to hear her give me a bunch of “shoulds” when it comes to what I’ve been doing in my spare time (SP-wise). I’m afraid of her wrath and I know I shouldn’t be. What a weird dynamic it’s become between us. I miss her, of course. But I don’t know how to approach it right now.
Better go get some work done.
Love.
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