I am Adam Lanza’s Stepmother in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

Please note: this entry is friends-only. Please, please respect my privacy. If you know me on FB or if you happen to know anyone involved, I need this to remain anonymous right now. Just needed a place to vent. Thank you.

So, SOS has come to live with SexyPants, pretty much permanently – until he graduates from high school and moves on…or something terrible happens. I am scared of him, and deep down I believe his dad is too.

When I first met SexyPants, he told me about the two kids he adopted at birth, a daughter (16) and a son (14). At that time, the daughter was so angry about her parents’ divorce that she still doesn’t speak with SP (nearly three years later), and his son (Son of SexyPants, aka SOS) has had “issues” since he was tiny. Both kids lived with their mother, SP’s ex-wife with every other weekend visitation between SP and SOS. The daughter, who doesn’t even get a name because she’s so far removed from my relationship with SOS, had decided that she didn’t want to visit her dad, so she just stopped.

A few months into our relationship, SP got a call from his ex-wife stating that SOS had put her in a headlock and the neighbors had called 911 and that SOS was in police custody. Ex had told SP that he needed to come take care of SP in whatever means necessary, from four states away. Thus began the long process of trying to find a place for him to get some therapeutic care. SOS had already been expelled from all of the public schools, so SP took him to Wyoming to a special ranch.

A week or so later, SP got a phone call from the ranch stating the SOS was way beyond their control. There was nothing they could do with him and SP needed to come back and get him. He did.

Several other incidents occurred around this time that I wasn’t privy to for various reasons. I’m sure that SP didn’t want me to know, and I understand that. After all, we were dating and it was starting to get serious, but I’m sure that SP thought he could keep some things under wraps until SOS got better.

Well, he really didn’t. SP wanted him to be close because his ex-wife was at the end of her rope where SOS was concerned, so SP brought him to this state where he was admitted to a residential youth treatment center for around four or five months until insurance ran out. Even though the insurance was depleted, it was determined that SOS still needed help in a residential facility, but there was no room in any other facility, so he was placed on a waiting list and came to live with us temporarily (by that time I was practically living at SP’s place and things had gotten very serious between us).

By this time, SOS was 15. At first he was shy and silly, especially around me. He was on a million medications and always shaky and shifty, and I could tell that SP had been coaching him to be “good” around me. It was always awkward, but many times very, very sweet. We actually had some great times together…hanging out, laughing, playing games, etc. But none of it felt very natural, and many times I could feel a lot of agitation in the air, like we were waiting for something to happen.

One night, it did. SP had been on a business trip and had asked me to “babysit” SOS for a few hours until he got home. SOS and I had an okay time (even though he didn’t really listen to me at all), but again, the agitation as well as him talking on the phone with a girl from where he used to live and blah, blah, blah…I couldn’t wait for SP to get home and take over. SP got home very late and said goodnight to SOS, and when he got in bed I told him that SOS had been talking with a girl on the phone. Long story, but SOS was not supposed to be on that phone, and that got SP upset, so he went to talk with SOS and let him know that he’d done something wrong.

Before I knew it, SP was back in the bedroom, shutting the door behind him, and with a very worried look on his face telling me that “it’s bad.” I could hear SOS screaming bloody murder downstairs and swearing to everyone and everything in sight as well as out. I told SP that if SOS hurt him I’d call 911. But SP said NO, don’t do that. Still SOS was outside banging things and screaming so loudly that I thought someone else was going to call the cops anyway. SOS came inside and started throwing things around and punching walls, so I packed up the ol’ man cat and some clothes and got out of there. Back to my downtown place.

I decided not to spend the night when SOS is in the house ever again.

A few weeks later, SOS finally got placed in a new treatment facility, and things with SP and me got back to normal. We were getting closer than ever, SOS was doing well in the facility (they said he was the best kid there), and SP and I got engaged. WOW! I was going to have a family and things were looking great!

When Christmas 2011 rolled around two months later, SOS got a furlough and his mother wanted to see him. SP didn’t think it was a great idea (you know, with the headlock incident and all), but she insisted and bought him a plane ticket to visit four states away. When he came back from this visit, everything changed.

SOS was to continue his treatment in the 2nd facility and before he’d left for his Christmas break, they were going to graduate him successfully. But as soon as he got back to the facility, he declined and declined and declined. So much so that they needed to release him unsuccessfully, and seriously, by the time they gave him the boot he’d been restrained so many times and he’d assaulted so many people that they placed him in juvenile detention.

At that time, SOS was 16.

During that time, I found out some things about SP that made me reconsider whether or not we should be together. But we decided to continue to talk. We worked on things. SP told me while we were working on things that he’d come to the realization that SOS would never be able to come live with him again. He was just too dangerous.

SOS was taken out of juvie and placed in another residential treatment facility, and after about two weeks, four more assaults on the staff, and a hearing, he was determined to be “manifestly dangerous”, meaning he was a danger to himself and society. He was sent to a maximum security forensics mental health facility.

I believe he was there for about three months. I went to visit once with SP. So unsettling. Maybe I’ll describe it in more detail one day, but I still shudder to think about it.

Why did they let him out? HUMAN ERROR. Someone made a mistake in the paperwork!!!

So the max security place called SP one day and said, “Come get your son.”

And on that day, while he was driving the four hours to get SOS, SP called and told me that he was scared.

Luckily, SP was able to talk with the social worker from the previous facility and worked out a way to get him back into treatment the next day. If there’s one thing about SP, it’s that he is fast-acting and effective. I was very proud of the way he handled things (of course, from afar).

Facility #4 kept him for about 4 months, letting him out for visits every few weekends. SOS was well-mannered and behaved, but there was always something lurking. I couldn’t pinpoint it, but little things popped up like things he’d say about guns and beating people up were completely chilling. Of course, he doesn’t say such things around his dad, but even times when SP would go get a drink, go to the bathroom, or something that left me alone for any longer than 30 seconds with SOS would lead to him saying something freakishly disturbing like, “I’d fucking kick that motherfucker’s ass…” with no other context.

Of course, when I’d tell SP that SOS was freaking me out with that talk, he’d look at me like, there’s NO way MY son is saying that in front of YOU!! Uh, yes he was.

He was also stealing SP’s online passwords to things, his Apple ID, and any technical information he could get his hands on. Every time I’d go to SP’s house, I’d make sure I had my phone and my purse within eyesight at all times. Recently, someone had gotten access to one of my own credit cards and tried to purchase a $200 gift card at Target. I’d mentioned it at brunch, and that it was a felony and that if I knew who the person was who stole my identity, I’d press charges. And SOS asked what I’d do if he stole my card, and I said…I’d press charges. SP stopped the conversation at that point.

And further, SP had decided that SOS was getting so much better, that he was ready to take SOS back into his house and let him live there, despite what he’d said months earlier about SOS never being able to live with him again.

Christmastime rolled around and so did the shooting at Sandy Hook. Like I said in my last entry, the first thing I thought of was SOS. See, SOS has Asperger’s, is fascinated with guns, has difficulty making and keeping friends, is enthralled with shooting video games, is awkward, etc. etc. etc. So many similarities, but I know it’s not fair to draw those conclusions. I just can’t help it. I know that I’m more than likely WRONG for drawing them…but….

Christmastime also rolled around and his mom wanted to see him again. I reminded SP what happened the year before when his condition declined and declined after his visit with his mom. Still, legally nobody can stop SOS from seeing his mom. So he went. Of course there were issues, including one time when SP’s ex called during our dinner (she NEVER calls SP), telling SP that she and the daughter had fled the house because they were in fear for their safety. Yes, calling from four states away.

Apparently, nobody was hurt (this time), but SP’s mother dropped him off at the airport three hours early! Obviously done with him, again.

Of course, that raised my stress level as well as SP’s. But still. He was coming back to live with SP. I guess nothing was going to stop that. And now he’s baaaaaccckkk.

I’ve spent some time with him already. It’s been tense and awkward, but I brought over some Christmas gifts the night before last and we went to church and then brunch together yesterday [chilling side note: during church, there’s a part in the service where people can voice prayer concerns aloud, and SOS spoke up and said, “please pray for the victims of the recent shootings”…aaacckkk!].

And then the kicker.

Last night, SOS was talking on the phone or texting this girl he is obsessed with, so SP decided that it would be OK for us to go to dinner down the street and leaving SOS to talk and text. SP and I had a fantastic time, enjoying dinner, laughing, etc., but at the end of dinner, SP checked his phone to make sure everything was OK and he noticed an email from the bank stating that there was suspicious activity on one of his credit cards. He told me that was odd because he very rarely uses that card, so I told him to call right away because he needed to get to the bottom of it.

Yes, you know what’s coming next. SOS lied and lied and then finally confessed (after SP pretended that he was on the phone with the police) that he was trying to use the card to order things online all over the place – Walmart, Best Buy, Target, etc.

By this time I was at home and practically in bed when SP called me to tell me what happened. I then stupidly reminded him of the conversation that we’d had a few weeks ago and about me telling SOS that I’d press charges against him if I caught him stealing my information. That’s me saying it about my cards, you know? I didn’t advise SP that he should call the police…that’s his own decision. But of course, me even mentioning that it’s what I’d do was shocking to SP.

As you can imagine, this has caused a HUGE rift between SP and me. We are in a full-blown MAJOR ISSUE stage. Basically, I see SP’s point about him being SOS’s last hope. I do. I understand that nobody else in the world is going to give this kid a chance. He is going to protect his son tooth and nail, and I get that. So me threatening to call the police on something like this is a direct threat to SP and SOS.

SOS will turn 17 in February. SP is going to protect this kid like a fierce momma bear – at least until he’s 18, and I suspect much, much longer than that, and again, I would expect nothing less from a dearly devoted parent.

But that puts me in a horrible place: to be scared of my love’s son. I have zero. Nothing. No say in parenting. No say in where he goes or what he does or what he says. And especially what he does – to himself, to others, to me.

The only protection I can provide is for myself.

Yes, the easy way out is to walk away from this situation, and that very well may happen. Of course, I’d be heartbroken if it did…so much love, energy, time, tears, sweat put into this. I love SexyPants and I love how much he loves his son. He is incredibly dedicated and I don’t know anyone else who could do this. But it’s tearing me apart with fear.

God help SOS. God help SP. God help us all.