Long time. I miss this diary so much.
I lost the sweetest love of my life two weeks ago today. My darling Tanner Boy Kitty is gone. I miss him more than anybody knows. He was with me for 19 years, and I am beside myself with grief. I say nobody knows because I haven’t yet broken down. I haven’t dealt with it properly. I had him cremated and his sweet little box still sits in the paw print bag they gave to me. It’s sitting in my bathroom by the scale where I used to leave him an extra bowl of water and treats every morning. I started to write a long tribute to him, but I can’t seem to find the words to finish.
I loved him and he loved me and I just ache because I hope he wasn’t in pain. He left so quickly, though he’d aged through the years. So slowly, really that I barely noticed. Aww, my sweet guy.
Meanwhile, life goes on and work is so insane. I’m liking it now because I have been getting really good feedback from my boss. But I’m barely hanging on this wild ride. Had jury duty on Monday and it was like the sky was falling back at the office. I had to call in to two conference calls WHILE I was waiting to be called into the courtroom! WTF is that, people? I don’t like that kind of stress. I’m not an emergency room surgeon, for chrissake!
It will calm down, I just know it. I’m so hard on myself.
Easter weekend was with SexyPants and his family. SP continues to wow me with his sweet ways. It’s been a year since “the incident” and while I’m not over it and I remain cautious, I’m just happy with him.
SOS, however, is a dick. I think I hate that kid. He’s now 17 and still just as mentally unstable as ever (though he hasn’t been violent as far as I know since he’s been out of the treatment facility). Good news is, he has lots of girlfriends now, and he connected with his birth mother (loooonnngg story I need to tell), and so much of his asshole energy is deflected.
I just hate how SP has this father guilt with him and spoils him like crazy. SOS feels so entitled and I’m sure that has to do with his douchy-ness. Plus, he’s a 17-year-old mentally unstable kid so I cut him slack. Oh, and the fact that I’m scared of him.
But at least I don’t have to live with that shit. I can walk away.
This weekend I’m going to a fancy party where the dress is “Mod”. Oh my goodness, I need to shop! I want to wear something incredibly cool. But what?
I’ve lost 8 lbs in the last couple of months. God, it’s so hard at 45. I go up and down and up and down and I know that alcohol is the key. If I would just stop for a couple of months I’m sure I could get back down to my goal weight, but then what happens when I go back to my drinkin’ ways?? I wish I could just get this combo right: diet, exercise, drink, emotions. It’s an impossible equation because I loooooveee to eat and drink and I haaattte to exercise (except when I’m in good shape – figure THAT one out).
OK. Time to rock and roll and get back to the office!
I love you!!
GS
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