Alright. In the summer I fell for someone. And I fell badly. But I went and screwed things up because I did not have the guts to tell her I was leaving for University.
And so I thought I was over her. But the memory of her haunts me still.
If I had to sum up how I feel about her, the words come from a song. Strangely enough it is a Nine Inch Nails song called Something I Can Never Have.
“Everywhere I look your all I see,
Just a faiding fucking reminder of who I used to be.”
Case in point. Last night I went out with a friend for a few drinks. The person in the cloak room looked like this person. I went from enjoying myself to the pits of hell in seconds. Do you know what that feels like? You probably do but I cannot imagine that anyone does.
This is the first time I have ever felt like this about anyone. Ever. It’s screwing me up. Whenever I see her I get a tingly feeling in my stomach. And I’ve blown it.
Damn. I like to think that I am a good guy. Even though nice guys finish last. And I made this girl think that I am a scumbag to save her more heartache. Does that make sense?
What is this I’m feeling? Anyone explain it? I like to think I did the right thing. Even if she has reduced me to tears before.
I’m not an angel. I’ve done a few things in my life which I regret. But this? I dunno if I regret this or not.
I’ll see what happens during the holidays.
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