I got this from Planet Egomania website
“You Should never lie” – Oh give me a break! Everyone lies..in fact I can say without a doubt that every person in the world with the ability to enunciate has told a lie at one time or another. Lying will help you get that job you want, the loan you need, to get you voted into public office, so I say Go ahead and lie lie lie! It’s the American way kids!
“Just say No to drugs and Alcohol” – Oh now that is just plain ridiculous! The people who preach this are usually in there late 40’s and have rolling papers, a Foghat poster and a bong stashed in their attics as a fond reminder of their carefree days. I say they are hypocrites, why should YOU deny yourself? I suggest you limit your drug use to marijuana. Leave the hard stuff like crack(“New Jack City”/Mayor of DC) and Heroin (“Trainspotting” “Sid & Nancy”) and Cocaine (“Scarface” circa. ’84) alone, for they will only make you bloated (or frighteningly thin) and very very unattractive (Chris Farly)..and we don’t want that now..do we? Alcohol is a great party favor. Alcohol will make you the life of the party and also make the people around you seem more attractive and appealling. Alcohol will make you feel invincible. Alcohol makes your sexual appetite grow. I do suggest that you drink responsibly, don’t drive while drinking…it could damage your upholstery. Take a cab.
“It is better to give than to receive” – B-u-l-l-s-h-i-t! Whoever came up with this gem is full of it. Have you ever felt better giving something than getting something? I mean..sexual diseases not included. This is probably something the head of some charity made up to boost the donation plate. Do you realize that in most of the charitable organizations that about only 10% of the monies received go to the intended recipients, it goes to administrative costs, salaries, and advertising? Why bother…if you want to make yourself feel better just toss a sandwich at a homeless person every now and then it does wonders for Me.
“Nicotine Kills” – Yes…it is true that nicotine kills. It takes years for that to happen though, so go ahead and be cool just like Joe Camel! Having a cigarette dangling between your lips makes you appear cool and dangerous. I recommend Marlboro’s because they have a lot of secret additives in their tobacco that the cigarette manufacturer refuse to divulge and those additives give you that much needed head rush we all need in the morning. When those pesky side effects start kicking in when you near middle age…do what I plan to do, sue them on the grounds that you had no idea that cigarettes were harmful to you and with the settlement money retire to some foreign country with no taxes.
“Save yourself for marriage” – Why? what if you marry some wanker and he/she ends up being a cold lay? You need to experiment before committing yourself to one person and And boys? forget those condoms they just get in the way and make the overall experience awkward and embarrassing for both partners. You’re young, the chances that you will get a disease are like 1 in 10..so like chances are great that you will NOT wake up a polka-dotted penis. If the act is not pleasing to you, by all means blame it on your partner, it will make you feel better about your performance .
“Give your life to Christ” – Why? What has he done for you lately? Has anyone seen this guy lately? He seems to spend his time as an image on a trailer park wall these days. Has Christ paid any of your bills lately? He only seems to speak to televanglists..so I think that makes him a snob. I have made a deal with him…when he pays my AmEx bill I’ll give him My life. Kids? If you go on and on about your love of Christ the other kids will tease you without mercy.
“Cheaters never win” – What? I have never heard anything so silly. All through history it has been proven that cheaters do win. So kids when it comes time to take those tests and PSAT exams I think you should do one of the following: 1) write the answers down on some part of your epidermis (that’s skin to you) or 2) hire another student preferably an Asian exchange student to take your test for you…You will be singing the Yale fighting song in no time! I also recommend that when tax time comes that you embellish a little..the IRS never bothers double checking the taxes of the common ilk, they reserve the auditors for important celebrities like Kato Kaelin, Dennis Rodman and Tom Arnold.
Please mote that this was written by someone else and does not necessarily represent my point of view. If it offends, please remember that it is intended as satire and I would personally like to invite you to find out what a sense of humor is. I thank you.
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