[Praying heavenward] Homer: I’m not normally a religious man, but if you’re up there, save me, Superman!
Bart: Christmas is the one time of year when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.
Homer: God bless those pagans.
Homer Simpson: God is teasing me! Just like he teased Moses in the desert!
Marge Simpson: *Tested,* Homer. God *tested* Moses.
Reverend Lovejoy: This so-called “new religion” is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants, designed to take away the money of fools. Let us say the Lord’s Prayer 40 times, but first, let’s pass the collection plate!
Marge: Bart, stop pestering Satan!
Homer: Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it’s okay in the Bible.
Lisa: Really? Where?
Homer: Eh, somewhere in the back.
Ned Flanders: Sorry to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy, but I’m kind of in a tizzy. My son Todd just told us he didn’t want to eat his damn vegetables.
Rev. Lovejoy: Well, you know kids and vegetables. What was it? Asparagus?
Ned Flanders: No, no, Reverend. The point is, he said a bad word!
Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, oh, right, yeah. Well, kids usually pick these things up from someplace. Find out who’s doing it and… direct them to the Bible.
Ned Flanders: Where in the Bible?
Rev. Lovejoy: Uh… page 900.
[quickly hangs up]
Homer Jay Simpson: [praying] Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever. [brief pause] Thy bidding will be done.
[munch munch munch]
[Kodos and Kang appear at The Simpsons’ door]
Homer Jay Simpson: Oh no, Mormons!
Kang: Actually, we’re Quantum Presbyterians.
Bartholomew: Aren’t we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.
Homer Jay Simpson: God, if you really are God, you’ll get me tickets to that game.
[doorbell rings]
Ned Flanders: Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick–
Homer Jay Simpson: [slams the door, looks heavenward] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge: Homer, that’s not God. That’s just a waffle that Bart tossed up there.
[Marge scrapes it off the ceiling into Homer’s hands]
Homer Jay Simpson: I know I shouldn’t eat thee, but — [bites] Mmm, sacrilicious.
[Homer pooh-poohs churchgoing.]
Marge Simpson: Don’t make me choose between my man and my God, because you just can’t win.
Homer Simpson: There you go again, always taking someone else’s side. Flanders, the water department, God…
[Watching Homer selling his soul to the devil on a monitor]
Charles Montgomery Burns: Hmm… who’s that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib.
Waylon Smithers: Er, Prince of Darkness, sir. He’s your eleven o’clock.
Marjorie ‘Marge’ Bouvier Simpson: Aren’t you going to perform the last rites?
Rev. Timothy Lovejoy: That’s Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to perform a voodoo dance.
Homer’s ghost: Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.
Marge: Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house…
Homer’s ghost: Whoa whoa whoa. I’m just trying to get in, I’m not running for Jesus.
Ned Flanders: Let’s thank the Lord for another beautiful day.
Superintendent Chalmers: “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion!
[Students draw pictures in Sunday School.]
Sunday School Teacher: Ralph, Jesus didn’t have wheels.
Will
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