A great many people are daunted by the power and complexity of computers and are deathly afraid of them. Sometimes warnings about viruses or hackers on TV magazine programs scares the living daylights out of people, complicating the issue. Paranoia is an integral part of the role computers play in society today. But some people take it to gross extremes.
Customer: “Well, I just want to know if I load this disk into my computer, won’t other people be able to get into my computer and access everything I have in there?”
Tech Support: “No, that’s not possible.”
Customer: “You see it on the TV all the time.”
I work for the computer help desk of a large university. One of our more memorable clients is infamous for what I can only describe as techno-paranoia. The last time she called to tell us we were going to have to do something about the “Internet Communists.” She was convinced that they were getting into her PC through her television and putting typographical errors in her word processing files. “They weren’t there before,” she insisted, “and I don’t make those kinds of mistakes!”
About a year ago, a customer from Roswell, NM, called in to place an order. To break the ice, I jokingly asked if he or any of his neighbors had seen any aliens lately. The guy laughed and proceeded to tell me all about the crazies (his word, not mine) that not only live in Roswell but who come on vacation there in hopes of seeing a UFO themselves. As he talked, I processed the order, and the last bit of information I needed to complete it was the guy’s email address for marketing purposes.
Customer: “Email! I won’t have anything to do with that Internet or modems of any sort! You should be careful about those. Don’t you know that once you install a modem, the government can look into your computer and watch everything you do? That’s why every night before I go to bed, I turn the monitor to the wall.”
Once I helped a friend get online for the first time.
Me: “Ok, do you have your Internet Explorer ope–”
Him: “What!? Your Internet EXPLODED?”
He was hysterical. I explained it all to him, but he was still terrified. Later, when I was done showing him how to surf the web, he asked:
Him: “Are you sure the Internet is safe to use?”
At the end of the eighties I was working for a company that made software for doctor’s offices. I frequently gave demonstrations to small groups of physicians. One of the main concerns was safety. There was so much talk about hackers. Would their patient records be safe from intruders? I explained to them that one could only get into a computer from outside the office if the modem was on, and the computer was running a communication program and acting as a host. At that time, this was a rare situation in private practice. But even the most powerful argument I could think of, “You can’t break into a computer that’s turned off,” did not have the impact I had hoped for. One way or the other they were convinced that a clever hacker would not be stopped by such a trivial problem!
I was an editor for my high school’s newspaper for a couple years. The newspaper and the yearbook staffs shared a computer lab, because it was too costly to keep separate ones. The yearbook advisor (a little off her rocker) was convinced that we newspaper students were sneaking into the journalism room at night, removing all the memory from the computers, and selling on the black market for a higher price. The reason she believed this is that we always got type 11 errors (Mac), and she thought that since they had to do with memory and the computers were fairly new, one of us had to be physically doing something to the memory. She finally went and told the principal. He, not being much smarter than she, proceeded to tell our newspaper advisor about our “illegal activities,” and she laughed him out of the room. The only thing that really happened is that the yearbook lady finally had a police officer come in and lecture us about the harm of stealing school property.
A customer called saying he was getting an error in Windows 95. He told me what the error was, and I recognized this as a typical error that occurs after installing MS Office 97.
Tech Support: “Sir, did you just install Office 97?”
Customer: “YOU’RE IN MY COMPUTER, AREN’T YOU?????” (click)
I was once using the generic telnet program on the library computers to check my mail on UTM (the local university) with Pine. The computer-inept librarian walked up behind me.
Her: (shrieking) “WHAT ARE YOU DOING???”
Me: “I’m checking my email–”
Her: “It looks like you’re breaking into the computer!!”
Me: “No really — I’m checking my mail.”
Her: “But that’s not HOTMAIL!!”
Me: “I don’t use hotmail. I use–”
Her: “But EVERYONE uses HOTMAIL!!”
Me: “No, my account goes through UTM. My email account ends with–”
Her: “But that’s not what MYYY UTM looks like!!” (apparently referring to the UTM web page)
Me: “Yes, I’m telnetting. It’s another way of accessing–”
Her: “I think you better shut that off. You’re breaking into the computer.”
Me: “But I–”
Her: “Turn it off. I don’t believe that ‘checking mail’ story.”
TBC
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