The abridged version
By Rod Hilton
FADE IN:
INT. BROKEN HOME
DANIEL RADCLIFFE walks around, pouting in a passive manner.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
My parents don’t love me. I know
because they don’t encourage my
satanic gifts of supernatural
prowess. I should run away, as any
child should if they feel that their
parents aren’t adequately
encouraging their actualization as a
wizard.
FOSTER PARENTS
We don’t love you, Daniel.
Frankly, we can’t stand looking at
your stupid damn glasses. We love
our portly son more.
PIGBOY
I am fat and desperately unlikable.
Remember kids, even when bullies
pick on you for being smart and
reading Harry Potter, there are
always fat kids to pick on.
Suddenly, SATAN’S EVIL OWLS attack the FOSTER PARENTS and PIGBOY until they beg for mercy.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Maybe you should learn to never
pick on a kid with geeky glasses!
And all of you damn bullies should
learn that, too!
CHILDREN IN AUDIENCE
Yay! Now bullies will know to stop
pulling my underpants over my ears!
Truly these books and this movie
have together given me the
confidence to stand up to bullies,
since they know better now! How
empowering! My how the tables have
turned!
PARENTS IN AUDIENCE
Uh…I don’t see anyone watching
this movie or reading the books
other than pipsqueak losers like
you. Perhaps you should hold off on
the standing up for yourself thing
and just learn to run fast.
ROBBIE COLTRANE
(entering abruptly)
Daniel! I am huge and comical in my
hugeness! I am here to take you to
Hogwarts, where you can worship Dark
Prince Satan with your peers!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Awesome. So long, Shitsville!
ROBBIE COLTRANE
Can you believe it took an hour to
get this far? Nothing has even
happened yet!
INT. HOGWARTS COMMUNITY COLLEGE
We repeatedly pan out for wide, majestic-looking shots of everything. This is to force a sense of wonder upon the very cold and detached direction style for which Chris Columbus is known.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I’m going to be a wizard! Live
vicariously through me, everyone!
ROBBIE COLTRANE
Yes, yes. Now, let’s go shopping
at the Wizard Mall, so you can
purchase all of the things you will
need to become a Wizard. Remember
kids, you too can be a wizard like
Harry Potter this holiday season!
All you need is a wish list, a mall,
and a parent with a credit card! And
don’t forget, if they don’t buy it,
they don’t love you and you should
run away to live at hogwarts.
DANIEL runs into NUMEROUS ANNOYING CHILDREN.
RUPERT GRINT
Hi! I’m an utter buffoon! But I’m
so cute in my stupidity that you
have to love me, despite how
annoying I am.
EMMA WATSON
I’m a vexatious, detestable snob!
If that and my high-pitched screech
weren’t enough, I seem to serve
little purpose other than supply a
girl to the story.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Jesus, you’ve had ten seconds of
screen time and I already can’t
stand either of you.
EMMA WATSON
That’s nothing. We’re protagonists
in this story, the villains are even
LESS likeable than us.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I want to die. Please drive this
wand through my skull.
Contd
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