Just cos I think they’re funny.
There were three coos in a field. Which wan wis oan its hoalidays?
The wan wi a wee calf.
The man in the clothes shop insisting on a maroon jacket.
‘Fur ma roon shooders’
Fit happened ti i car wi i widden ingine & i widden wheels? ……..It widna go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😀
THE ABERDEENSHIRE FARMER
A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire. The Department of Employment & Pensions claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an representative out to interview him.
‘I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,’ demanded the rep.
‘Well,’ replied the farmer, ‘there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board. The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.’
‘That’s the guy I want to talk to…the half-wit,’ says the agent.
‘That would be me,’ replied the farmer.
At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, “I’ll give £150!”
“Once more with feeling” said the nun to the bishop.
A Wee Scottish Tale.
A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.
The Gamekeeper shouts,
‘Dinnae drink thon waater! It’s foo ae coo’s keech an’ pish!’
The man replies,
‘My Good fellow, I’m English. Could you repeat that in English for me.’
The game keeper replies,
‘I said, use two hands – you get more that way!!!
Fit dae ye ca’ a Scotsman fa’s nearly at his hoose?
…………. Hamish!!!!!
Fit did the mannie say fan he fell fae the train platform. Hard Lines!!
A laddie wanted to ditch his bagpipes, so he put them in the backseat of his car, put all the windows down and went to the pub for a pint, hoping they’d be stolen. When he returned, four hours later, there were six more sets of bagpipes in the backseat.
Q. Did ye hear aboot the Magic Tractor ?
A. It turned intae a field
General Office “Spik “
Process Flowcharts
The wye tae dee things
Departments
Bourachies o’ Fowk
Roles (Job Titles)
Fit the folk are caa’d
Resources
Handy things tae hae handy
Value
Foo mony or foo muckle
Unit of measure
Foo mony or foo muckle fit
Concepts and Standards
Quality
Fit wye a thingmie’s fit for fit it’s supposed tae fit
Competency
Fit ye’re fit for
Business Risk
Onything that can mak’ an erse o’fit ye’re trying tae dee
Documentation
Bumf
Document Register
Faur tae look for mair bumf
Retention Period
Haud on til’t for
Processes
Process Reference
Fit it’s caa’d
Process Title
Fit it’s tae dee wi’
Process Owner
Heid mannie
Approver
Fa says “aye”
Draft
Nae quite feenish’d
Tasks (within a process)
Task
Fit’s deen
Responsible
Fa does’t
Informed
Tell’t
Consulted
Speired at
Assists
Gies a haun til
Accountable
Fa’s heid’s on the block if a’thing gings erse ower tit
Create
Mak up
Refer to
Hae a lookie at
File/Archive
Pit awa’
Project Completion
Project
Jobbie
Completion Checklist
Ticketyboo tick list
Two Lions walkin doon Union Street….een turns to the ither and says ‘Its nae half quiet fer a saiterday efterneen’ :o)
Wifie gaes intae a baker’s shoppe an’ seys tae the baker: “Is tha’ a scone oor a merangue?” The baker replies: “nae, yer no’ wrang, ’tis a fine scone indeed!”
My husband met an auld farm hand having a fag break over a fence when he was out for a walk with the dog. The conversation went something like this…
Fit like!
Oh….nae bad.
Fine day for’t!
Aye…tis ‘at.
You workit here lang?
Oh I hiv that..a lang time (aye aye, twa small sooks)
All yer life?
Nah…..nae yet…
Alex Ferguson decided to hold an 80’s themed retro party at Old Trafford to boost morale in the squad. Paul Scholes turned up in an olf Ford Sierra and Ryan Giggs turned up in a Vauxhall Cavalier…… Wayne Rooney came in an Escort…..
auld dottled mannie went tae a brothel.He said “how much” the madam replied.”Mmmm you’ve had it” the mannie repiled “okay quine how much dae a’ owe ya!!
Man walks through a farm close in ireland and hears seductive music comin fae the tractor shed. He looks in the windae and sees Paddy dancin roon and takin aff his claise
‘be Jessus Paddy, what are ye up tae?’ he says
‘oh’ says paddy ‘ me and the wife have been drifting apart recently and the counsellor said i should do something sexy to a tractor’
A loon gaes intae Glasgow airport and heeds intae the departure lounge. The place is a sair mess. A aboot the place there’s broken glass, upside doon tables, broken flight monitors and crowd control barriers skittered aroon the place. “Christ, fit happened here?” the loon asked ane o the ground crew. “Oh” he replied. “Bloodly hopeless it wis. We hid the Scotland fitba team in here this mornin’ filmin the new Nike ad”
Jimmy wis gettin’ a bittie dottled, so his dochter thocht is wis time he was taken tae the GP for a check up. The nursie saw him first, and asked him for a sample of urine. Noo. Jimmy is a bitty deef, so he shouted back at the top o’ his voice ‘FIT WIS AT???’ so dochter shouted back at him’ THEY WANT TAE SEE YER WATTER’. ‘ Oh aye’, he says. Then the nurse says .. ‘ and we’ll need a stool and sperm sample too, just to check the prostate and bowel. Jimmy shouts ‘EH? FIT WIS ‘AT??’ ‘ and the dochter shouts ‘ OH MIN!! JUST TAK AFF YER Y FRONTS FAITHER AND GIE THEM TO THE WUMMAN’…
One day wee Johnny hears a noise and peeks into his parents room to check it out. He finds his mum bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her, his dad sees Johnny and winks. Afterwards Dad goes to check on Johnny. He finds grandma bent over the dresser and Johnny going at it from behind her. Dad yells, “What are you doing???” to which Johnny winks and replies, “Not so f*cking funny when it’s YOUR mum is it?”
In the Fraserburgh maternity hospital, one of the midwives spoke broad Doric and was chatting to a lassie who had just given birth to bonnie lass.
“she’s a bonnie Quine, fit are you going to ca the lassie?”
“Nathan” replies the beaming new mither!
“occh, dina be daft” says the midwife, “you’ve got to gae her a name!”
Wonder if I’ll remember any of these when I’m back home next month?
Will
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