I'm there again you know that place that one where you don't know what you feel or how you feel your mind just blank goes speak when you get spoken to smile so look you don't look rude ughhh. My first ever relationship was very toxic, emotionally, physically and mentally, it started small a little gaslighting here and there, a slap for not cooking or being too friendly, then it escalated to full time beating silent treatment for days , and I’d sit there and watch it happen, I couldn’t do anything, I was a child, I stayed for four years till I became an adult, the last straw you’d ask? He really dealt with me, I’m talking marks still on my skin, bruises that make up could not cover swollen cheeks red and bursted lips, I still couldn’t leave him, I begged him to take me back , I promised I’d be good, he ended the relationship because he was scared I had someone else, I haven’t been able to heal from the trauma that relationship left me with.
its 2026, 4:25am I can’t sleep been up all night, guess where I am, in my current partners bed, he’s sleeping soundly next to me but I can’t seem to sleep for ten seconds, he asked if he could come pick me up at 8 and I told him I’ll tell him when I was ready because I was doing something, at 8:36 I tell him im ready mind you he’s just 10 minutes away, but he gets to my house at 9:26, I was stressed and tired I get in the car and he doesn’t say anything he’s on his phone I don’t get spoken to or complimented, i took over 40 minutes to get ready curling my hair and all, I got nothing. The drive to his place was silent he was drinking wine and eating chocolate, stereo playing on max the air con was just too much thankfully I was with my scarf, managed to get to his and we came upstairs. I knew if I didn’t do something he wouldn’t say a word to me, I go to the sitting room and say babe please can I get a rubber band for my hair, he says I don’t have any. I sit there and say, babe my had hurts because earlier when I wanted to get in the car, I had hit my nails on the dash he then says sorry with some off tone, I say come help me look for a rubber band, he goes I don’t have any raising his voice higher than usual, I reply with fear, you don’t have to shout at me and he explodes saying he wasn’t yelling that if he yells at me, I won’t be sitting here right now this is past ten, I come to the room find a rubber bad laying on the table I pack my hair up and settle in bed, he didn’t come to bed till past two, I didn’t get an apology just him falling asleep and trying to cuddle me half asleep. I jerk away because I felt really disgusted and weird. I can’t sleep it’s terrible, I managed to fall asleep I had this terrible dream of him peeing on me and beating me up. It was terrible I woke up so scared . I just feel really hurt because I told this person where exactly it hurts and he did it without thinking twice. It hurts so much. I can’t wait for it to be morning so I can go home after the gym because we plan to go to the gym together. This kind hurts a lot. He doesn’t see a problem with his actions it’s all ,w and I can’t really do anything about it .
I wrote a poem
I carry hurt in places words can’t reach,
In silent hours when the world feels loud.
I smile out front, but inside I still bleed,
A storm disguised beneath a passing cloud.
Pain teaches lessons no one asks to learn,
It bends the heart, it tests how long you stand.
Some nights you wait for peace to finally come,
But only find its shadow holding your hand.
I’ve cried in rooms that never knew my name,
Pretended strength when hope felt far away.
Each tear a prayer I couldn’t say out loud,
Each breath a choice to face another day.
And still, within the cracks, a light appears—
A quiet proof that I am not yet done.
Hurt shaped my soul, but it won’t own my end;
From all this pain, I’m learning how to run.
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