Last year we saw the Calamari Sisters show, the Feast of the Seven Fishes. It was ABSOLUTELY hilarious, and I was so looking forward to seeing their new Christmas show this year. Even though I was beyond shattered and exhausted from the business travel, and my sister’s Christmas party the night before, I was determined to go. Because of it being the day after my sister’s party, only my mom was up for going, but even if nobody had wanted to come, I would have gone by myself.
Words absolutely cannot describe the delight that this show is. While Ebenezer Scrooge’s Big Jersey Christmas Show was hilarious, the Calamari Sisters are ten times funnier. I was hoarse from laughing at the end of the show. I genuinely and truly think it is possibly the funniest show ever made anywhere ever.
It’s a hard show to recap though, because it’s so fast-paced, off the cuff, and there is a ton of improv at every show. The basic premise for this one though, is that they’re hosting the family Christmas party where all of the Italian cousins are invited, and they’re busy getting ready for it while doing their “Cooking with the Calamari Sisters” show, and we’re the audience. I didn’t get picked to go on stage with them yet again. My sister got picked to go up at her first show, and I am still so jealous! This time, they brought up an Italian woman named Gina and they were hilarious ribbing on her for not going to Mass (one of their schticks is that they are super Catholic, they even have a framed portrait of Jesus that lights up). She got to try their fancy Italian Christmas Salsa on an olive oil and cracked black pepper Triscuit. That then segued into one of the funniest jokes of the night that they told about their cousin Triscuit, who was treated so badly by her family, that she went to the docks and traded sex to an Italian guy she met there, in exchange for him to stow her away on the boat he was taking to Italy. So the Italian hides Triscuit in his bunk, and they’re having sex every night, until one day the captain finds her, and the punchline is the captain telling her, “Oh honey, this is the Staten Island Ferry.” Terrible, but their delivery is just priceless.
Last year’s show they did a family matriarch contest and had two older women competing against one another. This year they did a patriarch meathead contest, and pulled up two men to compete. One was a youngish retired veteran who they thanked for his service, the other was an older divorced guy who grumbled about seeing his ex at Christmas. They were tasked with answering Christmas trivia, which they were both TERRIBLE at. Neither of them knew what pudding was mentioned in We Wish You A Merry Christmas (FIGGY!), and it took FOREVER for one of them to name the three reindeer whose names started with D (Dasher, Dancer, Donner!) There was one other Christmas trivia that I also knew immediately, but I forget what it was.
After Christmas trivia, they both had to wrap something within a time limit, and whoever wrapped it best won. It was absolutely hysterical how bad these two men were at present wrapping. The veteran had some sort of plastic ice cream cone, and he tried to wrap the paper around it, and tie it at the top with a ribbon, but he wound up grabbing Halloween ribbon with a wire that he couldn’t cut with the little child safety scissors they gave him, so it had this long ribbon train just trailing along behind it as Delphine showed it to everyone. Worst of all, the paper completely tore at the bottom. Somehow, the other guy managed to do even worse, but by a show of applause the veteran won. I thought he deserved it for the Halloween ribbon alone.
Dominic the Donkey made another appearance, and he was my FAVORITE part of last year’s show. He was equally hilarious this time, but then he was interrupted by his ex-wife, Donatella the Donkey. While this was funny, it suffered just a bit from the fact that the sister puppeteering Donatella wasn’t anywhere near as good at puppetry as the one doing Dominic was. The sister who does Dominic appears to have a background in puppeteering and puppet design, and it SHOWS. While the Donatella puppet was hilarious, she just wasn’t being done justice by the puppeteer. I feel like people really underestimate what an art form puppeteering is, and how bringing life to a puppet is so much more than just bopping their heads around. I hope next year they go back to just having Dominic roast Delphine on his own, because that bit alone was hysterical. I’m guessing probably not though, since they went to all that trouble building the Donatella puppet. RIP Dominic and your solo show, you were the best.
After intermission, they came out in tap shoes again, which made me so happy. I frickin’ love tap dancing. Both are great dancers, but Delphine definitely gets the edge over Carmela in the dance department, she’s so flowy and smooth with her moves. And I love how after every dance number the two of them spend ages gasping as loud as they possibly can.
The best part of the show definitely was the big finale. Last year it was a cock fight, this year it was a live reenactment of the nativity, with four people chosen from the audience to play Joseph, A Wise Guy (Man), the Little Drummer Boy, and most importantly, the Baby Jesus. Hilariously, the guy chosen to play Joseph was Jewish. He even took out his kippah and wore it during the whole thing. They basically just had to stand on stage in costume, sing along with a few Christmas songs, and do a few basic lines that the sisters coached them on. The Wise Guy was an older woman they put in a suit coat and fedora and coached her to deliver her lines like someone from The Godfather, it was so funny and she did a great job getting into it.
Definitely the star of the show though, was Baby Jesus. It was a guy who had to have been in his 80s. They stuck him in a wheel chair, and put this whole thing over his head so he had a tiny puppet baby body with his head wearing a baby bonnet at the top, all nestled in a big fake manger with fake hay all around it. They gave him a rattle and a bottle and he kept waving them around in time with the music and it was absolutely hilarious how into it he was. They even commented something like, “Baby Jesus is going off-script!” The fact that he was having so much fun playing Baby Jesus absolutely made the show.
It absolutely boggles my mind how funny this show is, and how clever, creative, and talented both Delphine and Carmela are. If you love laughing and theatre, I BEG YOU to go to their website and see if they’re playing a show anywhere near you. I guarantee you will have the best time and will want to see them over and over again.
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