Onvce in a while I get this feeling, that there is something wrong with me. It manifests in different ways – there’s something wrong with the way I work, with how I look, with something I said to a friend, or I’m not political enough, or talented enough, or not a good enough parent, or that I don’t exercise enough.
It always comes up as this feeling of doom. And today I finally realized what it is. I feel like there is something flawed about me, because I am mortal. Because I am going to die. Nothing I can do can change it. And since I am mortal, there is nothing I can do about the fact that in my life I will always be able to do only some things, and not everything, That no matter how much impact I make on the world, I will die, and everyone else will die. I can never really spend my time well, since no matter how I spend it, I will die and everyone I have impacted will die. It doesn’t matter if I spend my time becoming prettier or healthier, since eventually I will be ugly and dead.
It’s kind of a liberating thought. The thing that is wrong with me, that gives me the feeling of doom, is nothing I can control, and it’s rue for everyone. I will never live my life “right” in a way that will make me feel that there is nothing “wrong with me”, since the basic premise of not being able to stretch life to encompass “everything”, will always be true.
I had a dream last night. In the dream I was talking to one of my favorite authors. It was an intellectual conversation, and he was appreciating my comments. He was also interested in me sexually, but there was no physical contact. I felt validated in the dream, and the feeling of being “not ok” kind of dissipated. Maybe that’s why we like social and physical contact so much – if we are validated in the eyes of someone else, it makes us feel less mortal, even if it’s just a dream.
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