Earlier today, someone had written an entry about how he didn't know what exactly women want sometimes. A million dollar question, I'm sure.
What exactly do women want?
I'm not looking to answer that question, at least not in this entry. Maybe that's something for a future entry, but not this one.
I think at the time he wrote said entry, he was feeling angry at women "again", suggesting that these sorts of feelings towards woman were recurring for him. He had also expressed, I'll say, concern, regarding what he saw as women choosing not to have sex with him. He likened his frustration to that of one Eric Cartman, of South Park fame. who from what I recall, never cares or tries to hide whatever frustration he may be experiencing at any given moment. Anger management, be damned. There was some emotion to that writer's post and obviously being that I'm writing this entry, it had me thinking about my own recent, as well as historical, experiences with women.
I don't know if I'm frustrated or experiencing anything remotely resembling frustration towards women. With regards to my challenges with women, I have had to learn to let things go and eventually, stop worrying about that which I cannot control when it comes to my involvement with certain women. Once I stop caring about things, it's been my finding that I feel better and that my stress levels decrease drastically. These things go hand in hand.
There was an episode of Seinfeld (Season 5, Episode 22 - The Opposite), where protagonist Jerry had strongly believed that things in the universe were such that he would always somehow break even, often without any input from or effort exerted by him. Jerry's eccentric friend and neighbor, Kramer, had even nicknamed him "Even Steven". I think Jerry referenced this with regards to money, but he may have attributed this break-even mentality across all facets of his life. Something bad would happen to him. It wouldn't matter much to him because in the end, something positive would happen, effectively nullifying that bad thing that happened to him earlier. It's really a form of balance.
That's how I feel about my relationships with women. For every woman who chooses to walk out of my life, I always seem to have another woman suddenly resurface after a lengthy or even brief hiatus. Sometimes I might even befriend a new female and if I deem them worthy, I will gradually welcome them into my life and make them part of my circle. It's a simple concept. One woman leaves my life and without any effort on my part, another one enters. I don't know why that's a thing, but it is, and I don't question it.
So, within the last year, I had the misfortune of seeing three friendships/relationship all come to an end. All three came to a sudden and screeching end, none of which I ever saw coming. With each one, I tried to correct whatever wrongs I believed existed, through communication, in an effort to make amends and get us back on amicable terms. With only one of these women, we were able to engage in a dialogue and exchange some ideas, still to no avail. With the other two, no kind of meaningful exchange would occur. One of them seemed open to having a discussion at first, but she cut off communication rather abruptly. Regardless and amidst my efforts, all three connections were effectively severed and I found myself having to continue my life without them. For a brief moment, the sting that accompanied each of those breaks lingered, but eventually, I regained my footing and got back on my feet. The marathon that is life had to continue.
In the end, I was forced to let Serena (January 2023 - June 2025), Sindy (January 2025 - September 2025), and Kitana (November 2024 - January 2026) all go and let them live their lives without me. They all made their decisions to walk away from me, amidst my efforts to keep them around and maintain them as friends. I had zero say in these matters, as they made their respective decisions and I had to let them walk away. Why am I going to hang on to a dead relationship? As does happen whenever women leave my circle and my life in general, I always look inward. Yes, I will always blame myself.
What was it about me that made her leave?
I know that I'm not perfect. I definitely have my faults and flaws and I will be the first to own those because I know that they exist. These flaws don't always make women leave, but I also know that sometimes they could be contributing factors.
Now, with those three women slowly, but surely, becoming distant memories, I have to express gratitude for those women who have chosen to remain by my side and live life with me, even if we may not be a consistent, physical part of each other's lives. For the continued roles that Carmen (April 2005), April (April 2002), and Erin (November 2025) all play in my life, I want to thank each and every one of them for continuing to rock with me and for being pillars of strength to me, just as I have continued to be for them. And as you can clearly see, Carmen and April have been damn near permanent fixtures in my circle and my life. I'd say that Erin knows me pretty well herself.
I lose three. Three come back into my life. Balance. It's what Seinfeld referred as breaking even.
Even just recently, Briana stopped talking to me. Cold turkey. I can't explain why and I'm not trying to. I'm not worried about it. So, without expecting it or even trying to will it into existence, as Briana decides that I'm no longer worth talking to, Yessica suddenly comes into my work life and makes herself comfortable. I've been training Yessica on an on-going basis since early mid-November and she and I have become a relatively decent team. She still has much to learn, but she's eager and seemingly wants to learn. I don't know what got into Briana, but as I said, I'm not going to worry about her or whatever that situation.
So, I guess if I'm going to revamp the numbers a bit, I lose four, but I get four.
I still break even, just like Jerry would.
Could be worse, I suppose. Could ALWAYS be worse.
Regardless, I am thankful for those who remain in my circle and for their wanting to remain there.
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