I’m feeling mildly disappointed today.
I was on a super great start to 2026, and everything kind fell out of sync. Routine and habit are really big for me, and I’m sure it’s the same for many others too. But if I can’t make something easy and routine, I truly don’t have the discipline to keep it going. And, if I do start a routine and something upends it, I’m immediately unmotivated to keep trying.
What can I say? I’m a slug. At least I’m self-aware.
But I was doing good! I was making my bed every morning, taking my probiotics, avoiding fast food… I was doing all the things, and I was feeling great about it. And then I forgot to make my bed. Once. Then twice. And then I forgot to take my probiotic. Twice. Three times. So now here I am, almost a month into 2026 with a pile of crumpled sheets and gastrointestinal distress to show for my effort so far.
Every day is a new day to be better but today is not that day.
I have been diligent about staying off technology though! Mostly because I’m bored with it all. I don’t want to play my games… I don’t want to watch TV… I don’t want to mindlessly scroll on TikTok because the algorithm is all messed up and its always doom or TikTok shop adds. That being said I probably need to take a hard look at myself as to why my algorithm is like that (haha).
I’ve been reading Sarah Maas’s Throne of Glass series, and I wish I would have read the prequel first. I’ve read the first and second book, and now I’m trying to read the prequel. I’m having a really hard time reading this series, but I’m committed to the universe. I’d like to have it all finished before the next ACOTAR book comes out, but I don’t know. I think I’m on chapter 4 or 5 of my current read, and I haven’t picked it up in two weeks. They’re a slow burn for sure.
I also have a follow up appointment with my doctor tomorrow, which I’m also proud of. I’ve had TWO doctor appointments in 2026, and that’s a lot for me. I avoid healthcare in the worst way, and it’s not on purpose… I just don’t take care of myself. It’s never a priority.
My appointment is also kind of a source of disappointment because I’ve come to realize that my insurance doesn’t cover weight loss medication and I was really eager to jump on the bandwagon. I completed my yearly wellness visit plus blood work which came back beautifully, but I’m “morbidly obese”. I weigh 247lbs, and while medical advice suggests I should be around 130lbs, I’d really like to be about 170. I remember what it felt like to be 170, and I felt healthy there. Believe it or not, I’m pretty solid and muscular for a chunky couch potato, and I don’t see 130 being realistic or healthy.
Hubby feels the same- Hubby isn’t supportive of me using weight loss medications because he says I’m mostly muscle, and that I need to just trim a little around the edges if I’m really concerned. He says that I need discipline, self-control and exercise to get to where I want, and if I do that, I can achieve my goal quickly. He’s probably right, but he was also sending me screen shots of Wendy’s double cheeseburgers at 10pm last night. I feel like I can’t win.
I’m just sooo jealous. I really am. Damn near every single woman who comes into my store needing new bras and a bra fitting has lost 30-80lbs and they ALL say it’s from taking the shot. And so many of them I’ve known for years- they’ve been shopping with me for a long time. It’s like one day they walk through my door, and I’m like WHO are YOU? And they all tell me how happy they are, how easy it’s been for them, how they feel like brand new women… it’s all the same. I want that too. Why can’t I have that?
And this is taking it super far out there, but I feel like I’m never allowed to be part of the club. I feel like I’m on the permanent exclusion list. I never get a seat at the table in every aspect of my life. And I know with hard work, perseverance and maybe a little bit of aggressiveness on my part, I could have all of these things but for some people it just comes so easily. Some people are just born into the right placements, as if all the doors opened for them as they walked toward them. Then there’s people like me who have to beat the door down or otherwise accept it to be closed. It feels like so many people hear yes, when 9 times out of 10 I get no, and then have to figure out how to do it anyway or work around the system. And I promise, I’m a hard worker. I know that I joke about being lazy, but I’m only currently lazy and that’s because for the first time in my life I feel genuinely tired on a cellular level. I feel tired in a way that a good night’s sleep won’t recover.
Ah well… All that said, I’m happy to have started my wellness journey no matter what that ends up looking like this year. I’m going to talk to my doctor about whether she’d be willing to prescribe a compounded semaglutide which I’ve read some providers will and some won’t… I’ve struggled getting approved from online telehealth because I have gallstones and that’s a red flag for them. I get it. Doctor said she wasn’t concerned about gallstones- she monitors the pancreas. I guess I’ll have the conversation with her - my appointment is tomorrow and then going from there. Next is the lady doctor and dentist, and then I’ll be all caught up for the first time in a decade.
On another note… Hubby and I have almost 2k saved up in our new car fund! That’s super exciting. I’m sure I spoke about it before, but last year his car totaled and we can’t afford to replace it. A bunch of parts went bad at the same time that ultimately were more expensive to fix than the car was worth. Now that the holidays are over, we’re able to cut back our spending and get some money back in the bank, which is nice, even if it will all be spent as soon as we get enough for a comfortable deposit.
And we’re planning our first get away for February! I really wanted to go back to Orlando- We paid for a yearly pass last year, so we only have to cover airfare and hotel when we go but flights are a little more expensive than I’m comfortable paying right now. We’re thinking about taking an overnight trip to Philly since we can drive there- I’d like to go to Otherworld. We’ve been to Otherworld in Columbus but the one in Philly is supposed to be much better. Hubby said we should take redeye to Vegas and finally get married by Elvis in one of those 24hr wedding chapels. I’m actually not opposed to the idea, but I’m also not flying to Vegas right now either. I’m pretty sure he was serious, but that’s a not right now or any time soon trip.
We’ve committed to trying to do something once a month to reconnect as people outside of bills and obligations because we’ve fallen into this rut of repetition and its destroyed us. We are at the point now where we have to make the conscious choice and effort to tend to our relationship before it gets worse. We got together in 2015, and the honeymoon phase ended long, long ago.
It might be an age issue… I’ve read a few times that there is a point where two people in a relationship with major age differences grow apart due to the different points of life that they’re in. I think that while age isn’t the entire issue with us, that it does play a big part. I’m 36 and he’s 47, and we are in very different places of life though he swears we are and have always been the same. It doesn’t feel like it.
It feels like all he ever wants is money, food and sex in the most primal way. That’s all he talks about. He’s either making comments about my body and how I look, trying to grope some part of me, or not speaking or looking at me at all. He’s either undressing me with his eyes or ignoring me like I don’t exist, and that’s not an exaggeration. We get into so many arguments because he just doesn’t respond when I speak to him. He doesn’t look at me or walks away from me when I try to talk to him. But he loves me, you know. He tells me every day.
I want companionship and support. I want to better myself. I want to travel, read books, learn new things. I want to lose weight, care for my skin, care for my body and begin to age with grace while making the most out of my time. One day we will die and all the money we earn will circulate back into the system much like it does now when we pay our bills and it disappears. Money is made to be spent… better to spend it on enriching the life we have rather than saving it to buy a better casket.
I’m sorry. I told you I’m feeling messed up this morning.
Back to the superficial, I take care of the household. I work full time like he does, but I manage the finances. I pay the bills, I move money into savings, I cook, I do most of the cleaning along with my son who shares most of the chores. I’m the full-time parent; I’m currently the sole taxi driver since we’re down one vehicle. I’m the appointment maker, the vacation planner, the life coordinator. Literally. I haven’t cleaned my house in two weeks, and you should see the state it’s in because nobody else can be bothered. Floors covered in so much pet hair you’d think we have mice, but no, they’re just clumps of grey hairlike tumbleweeds. Bathroom covered in spit and toothpaste- the sink, the faucet, the mirrors and the walls. Food and muck caked in the kitchen sink, grease splattered everywhere… all waiting for me.
Hubby thinks he does his part because he loads the dishwasher after my son empties it. And occasionally he’ll load it AND empty it. And he does laundry once a week. A job well done. Man of the house- yep.
I yearn for companionship.
I’m tired of giving so much of myself to receive the bare minimum.
2026 is supposed to be my year though and I’m still rooting for me.
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