12/23 in scarlet_dragon

The year is dwindling down. It’s another freakishly warm day out for Mid December. I have a feeling we’ll be in for it in January.
The day has been pretty low key. Not much going on. I’m trying to just try to clean up here and there so I don’t have really much to do tomorrow or Christmas Day.
I still haven’t purchased that birthday gift for my sister yet either.
I worked on two months of entires from Opendiary. It really is just re-reading my days when my son was little kind of sad. I was barely surviving in PPD and my only thing was going shopping every, single day.
So it’s depressing kind of just looking at all that again.
I have no room to ever talk about my husband spending money. The amount of time/energy and money I’ve wasted on crap in my life is kind of hard to fathom. I own next to none of those things that I’m reading about from 2011 anymore. I spent thousands. Or I’d buy a ton, take it home, have buyers remorse set in and then spend the time to go take the things back again. Or try reselling things for pennies what I had spent on it.
I think the one thing that bothers me about my husband spending money is he’s hiding it from me. But I guess I did the same thing too for years and years.
I can’t keep on this trial of thinking again or I’ll wind up in a depression hole again. So moving on.
I’ll probably go busy myself with out tasks around the house right now. Everyday at about 2-4:45 the husband takes a nap. it use to be 4-4:30 then it was 3:30-4:30 now most days it’s 2:15-4:45pm. I’m not an expert and have mentioned before that I think his “naps” in the middle day probably mess up his ability to sleep at night. But I’m not his mother and even she couldn’t tell him what to do.
I still haven’t looked into doctors offices. My capacity to handle it right now is nill. I know I need to do it but I just don’t want to, but I know if I need the doctors it’s going to be an even bigger challenge then. I’m giving myself until my Mom heads back home after the holidays to then work on it.
I’m also thinking about maybe typing out a master entry of to do lists so we can focus our free down time on those things.
I feel like Aug this year my husband and I had a big coming together over some bullshit that shouldn’t have happened to begin with but we haven’t had any other deep meaningful conversations since then. I don’t always want to be the one driving this train all the time. I don’t want to be the one carrying 90% of the mental load of this house either. I mean we have essentially 18-20 months before my son could completely just leave the house and live his own life elsewhere. That’s so insane to me to think about.
Anywho. I have like an hour here while husband is resting I think I might work on wiping down my son’s bathroom. Even tho he was asked multiple times to take care of it by my husband it’s not done. I know it’s not teaching him any lessons but I need it done but maybe I’ll leave the shower for him to take care of. So I’d best be going and not waste anymore time here.