Last night sadness overtook me and I decided to message a suicide hotline. I fed and changed my baby. I had tears rolling down my face while I talked out my sadness and feelings. My husband was asleep in the living room. I rationalize with my mother after I had to explain to her it sucks. She made me something to eat I thanked her. After I decided I needed to least live to see my son graduate highschool. Now watch me when he graduates highschool I will find another reason to carry on. Always an excuse to survive.
For Christmas I prayed to God a break from my mom. With her schizoaffective, bipolar 1 anxiety delusion it all got to be to much. I only asked for a break. I kind of wish I asked for lottery numbers because God answered.
Between caring for mom and Leo I am so stressed. Mom got dizzy said she needed food I rushed to help her to knock over the baby formula trying to give her cereal. I broke down crying. I know it isn't that big of a deal but why does everything have to be so heavy? Mom threw up which startled me. I checked her blood sugar,blood pressure and checked for a fever all normal. She was acting very off and scared.
She threw up a large amount of vomit. When I went to clean it up it smelled like death. Mom was lathargic slurring like she was intoxicated. I cleaned up the vomit by soaking it up with litter. I swept most of it away. I had to change her sheets. I watched mom roll her eyes in the back she was turning shades of grey. I asked her to get medical care. She refused go. I told her go and prove me wrong. I motivated her to go to doctor by telling her be petty.I will apologize if she proves there's nothing wrong She agreed to go just to be a petty.
When she went grey and rolled her eyes I remember grandma Leoma used to when she was dying of cancer. Mom had her head tilted back mouth open like she was screaming not a sound came out. When she said she was to tired to dress herself I saw a red flag. Mom tries her best to be independent. I knew she was sick because most time she tries to do things herself.
She threw up 2 different times. I bought Dramamine hoping it would help keep her vomit down. Luckily it worked. They checked her to discover she has a Pancreatitis. Mom and I were both surprised by the results. Mom didn't want to go but luckily she agreed with motivation to see the Dr because I asked. She said she didn't want to be in the hospital for Christmas. I told her mom for us Christmas is anytime we can celebrate later. That I love her and focus on getting better.
Mom besides feeling tired honestly was cheerful. She played with her grandson. She is so proud of him. Leo absolutely adores her. I know she needs supervision with Leo but seeing them so happy makes it worth it.
I have the nurses my number and informed them of moms psychological condition I told then if they need me please call. They said mom appears to be in a good mood. She is having spiderweb conversations. They said they have a psychological consult happening tomorrow. That isn't a surprise considering she has previous been in the psych unit days before. She isn't in pain which is good and appears cheerful. I hope she gets better soon.
Moms lawyer plans to inspect my home on the third.i didn't get to clean yesterday because of moms illness. After I drop off pajamas to my mom in the morning and visit her I plan to come home and clean. My family isn't much for the holidays and often celebrate in January lots of seasonal is half off. If it's half off we can get twice the amount of presents. Honestly I can't think of anything I want but buying formula and diapers is appreciated if someone offered to pay a bill I wouldn't complain.
I hope mom gets better soon. During this time I plan to focus on cleaning and getting ready for this inspection. This is important to me because it decides whether mom goes to a group home,to my aunt or to me. I hope she comes to me but I guess I will see how it goes.
Merry Christmas to all. Santa is skipping this house but it's ok Leo is 6 month and to young to understand maybe next year we will celebrate.
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