I know that traditionally one struggles through a time of self discovery at a much younger age. Not during mature adulthood but during a period of awkward transition from a child to a teen and then again from a teen into a young adult. Then by time we are a young adult, we should know who we are and where we are going in life. As adults we build on this foundation throughout our lives into mature adulthood at which time we will live out our golden years in some idealistic setting we have dreamed up our whole life.
I am not sure when I bought into this concept and started deceiving myself but at some point I am sure I believed this to be true about me. I knew who I was, what I wanted in life, and where I was going, right down to tiniest details. I knew how many kids I would have, what career I would have, where I would live… you name it I had it all figured out and had the answers to everything concerning my future. How naive I was… it makes me chuckle a little to think of my arrogance back then.
However, I have now come to realize that at least in my case this could not be farther from truth. I am not living anywhere near the kind of life I envisioned for myself. It is no where near the case for me, nope not even close. You see there is absolutely nothing traditional about my life, where I have been, where I am now, nor where I want to go for that matter. It simply is what it is and I am learning to accept it, embrace it, and take one day at a time.
Hmm I guess this means I am finally ready to grow up for real, or perhaps it means I have taken enough shit in my life and am once and for all taking control of my own destiny.
Why now? Why, at 37 years of age, am I just now getting to the point where I am taking a breather and saying whoa! what is going on here, what happened to my life, what happened to me, why me, why not me, will it ever be me? The questions go on and on and on as you can imagine.
Call it what you want, midlife crisis, early menopause, nervous breakdown, whatever… it is what it is. I am sick and fucking tired of the ridiculous race I have been running for as long as I can remember to meet the expectations set for my life way back then when I had no clue about life. I am sick and fucking tired of the constant stress of trying to please others and being what everyone else wants or needs me to be (and believe me everyone has a different expectation and standard). I am simply sick and fucking tired of lying to myself! Enough is enough already!
How did I get to this place where I am no one to myself and to others only defined by my role in their lives or defined by the need I can fulfill in every situation I face?
Fuck the how and why and when, more importantly I have to answer what the hell am I going to do about it that is the important matter at hand here.
I have come to the realization now that I have admitted I have this problem it is up to me to find a meaningful and acceptable solution all on my own and, as selfish as it may sound at this moment, and a solution that is only for me....
I also realize that in order to find the answers I seek I must first answer all of the questions I have outlined here. Not just answer them either, I must be completely and even brutally honest if I want to be successful in introducing myself and those in my life to the real me.
Although some will not like the outcome, while some will be ecstatic for me, and meanwhile along the way I may even lose some, I am prepared to live with the consequences and rewards alike.
Thus begins my journey to self discovery once and for all.
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