Lily slowly made her way out to the garden, through the entryway that had convinced her to buy the house, down the stepping stones shed laid three years ago, to the side yard. She recalled the work in laying those stones, the leveling of the dirt, the care in positioning them to be just the right distance apart. The pattern on them was that of a smiling cat, so Lily had set them to be always looking straight at the walker when heading toward the garden. It was her way of conveying how happy she was there.
The young plants in her arms were tended with care. Now, it was time to let nature do the tending. Lily set them down and slowly bent to the ground. Kneeling hurt her so, but she knew that nothing she did to her knees now really mattered.
It had been two years since the fight of her life had begun, and now she knew that the battle had been won, but not by her. She had taken the news as well as she could; it had not been a surprise after all of this time. Still, the hopefulness that had driven her to keep fighting had also given rise to the expectation of success.
As she shifted her weight from one knee to the other, her thoughts drifted to the things that no longer worry her. The knee, for one, had been a terrific worry up until now. She knew that if it continued to worsen, she would have to have it replaced before she reached her fifties. But now, she wouldnt be reaching her fifties anyway. The pain still hurt, but the fear it brought was no longer as acute. She assumed that the fear would cease arising at all.
As she contemplated the things that she still would have to do, the laundry, cooking, shopping for groceries, she felt relieved at the things she wouldnt have to do. She wouldnt have to worry about the upcoming recession. Her retirement savings would be given to her parents after the taxes and the lawyers were paid. Whatever the stock market did now really wasnt of consequence. Only two months ago she couldnt get the market off of her mind. Now, she didnt even bother with the evening news.
The cancer had been found at a time when things were turning around for Lily. Her divorce had been final for a while and she was comfortable living alone. Her life was fun again, like it was in the days right after high school. She even saw herself in her minds eye with the same haircut she wore then. She felt that nothing could get in the way of her happiness. Then she felt the numbness in her leg. It got worse and eventually blossomed into a tremor. Her doctor suspected multiple sclerosis at first and began testing her with that in mind. All the while, the tumor was growing, taking good flesh and corrupting it. When it was diagnosed, Lily was devastated.
She soon realized that these things happen at different times for different people, but that it was this kind of falling apart that made her whole. Even at a time like this. She began to choose the hassles and aggravations that she would deal with. Anything that seemed like it wasnt worth arguing over, she dropped. She focused on the good part of living.
In the months that followed, she found herself questioning the things that worried her. She realized that she wasted hours of her existence, ruminating over things that she could do little to change. Lily was allowing her worry to swallow her life. She might be missing out on what could be her last years to live. She started reminding herself to be present in her life when she caught herself drifting off on a course of pointless thought.
This line of thought made her come back to her plantings. Plants, especially young ones, force a person to recognize the passage of the days. Each day they change, grow larger, blossom or turn a darker shade of green. And each day, a person will change, grow older, blossom or wilt. She realized that the life shown by the plants corresponded with the life she was slowly losing.
Lily chose to blossom while wilting.
Notes:
Unk
That was beautiful. Thank you so much for the notes. I hope you are able to write often. I enjoy reading. =0)
This is excellent writing! A message that is so beautiful–revealing the ground of basic goodness even in that which it normally isn’t seen…. Good medicine, my dear! Steve W.
MJ
March 28, 2001
Ironic how often it is that a person often never learns to savor life until they are dying. So, how are the publishing efforts going? Hope you are not letting it go by the wayside. Good to be back, and sorry I have not gotten by to say hello until now.
Unk
Beautiful writing. You are so talented.
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