12-3 in scarlet_dragon

I keep struggling with making entries public on here. They just all seem to be filled with complaining about everything. I’m tired of all the negativity I feel most days. Is it stress involved? Is it all my making?
I struggle with having to talk to people on the phone. I don’t know why it’s always been an issue but the past few years it’s gotten worse. I’d rather talk to someone in person than over the phone, and I struggle with that too. I needed to call the bank we use because I couldn’t get logged into my account. I gave myself anxiety over it for the last 12 hours finally just called and it wasn’t bad. I don’t know why I make these things into such a bigger issues then they need be.
It’s looking like we’re suppose to be getting snow Friday, Sun and Monday. We shall see.
I think I’m kinda done with Christmas and Birthday gifts. Maybe. It was an expensive year. I think I finally just need to bite the bullet and transfer the 3k I’ve been sitting on as mad money and pay off my credit card. Be done with it. I know when higher car insurance and a new monthly car payment take effect I’ll not want to be paying on a card too.I Just need to do it and be done.
I keep just thinking about how all the 10,000 tasks I have on my lists probably take 15-30 mins tops but I put them off forever. I need to start a new system a new way of doing things. Because what I’m doing now (which is ignore them) obviously isn’t working.
Anyways.. life continues ever onward. I’m not sure if my Mom has plans to come visit for my son’s birthday like she usually does. If she does I really need to get this house in order. It’s currently a disaster. Almost entirely of my making.
I’m about 3 years into 16 of trying to transfer over Open Diary entries. It’s slow going. Because I’m trying to not read them all as I go but I’ll catch things and then I start getting depressed and wonder if it’s such a great idea that I’m trying to save them all or not. What’s the point? Do I really want to be reminded of most of those things? Not really.
I don’t know. I know I’d have been upset with myself if I didn’t even try to save them..but is using 2-3 hours a day at this task the best use of time?
I ordered some “gummies” because for a few days there in a fit of madness I felt like I need the chill pill. There’s moments where I just need my brain to shut the fuck up. To put it bluntly.
SO I’m waiting on those to arrive. I guess they are an early present to myself.
Anyways. I should go at least do something else productive since it’s been days of not really getting much done around here. The house looks like a bomb went off in here and my husband hasn’t said a thing about it. So either it truly doesn’t bother him or he knows I’ll probably have a melt down if he brings it up.