1. Mirror of the Past
Think of a trait in your dad that hurt you deeply - anger, manipulation, or control.
I think probably the longest damage was caused by his refusal to talk about anything meaningful for most of my life. He never shared true feelings or vulnerabilities. He never discussed any really important life skill. I learned he never had a safe place growing up to share his innermost feelings and thoughts, so he spent his life hiding them. sad
- How did you notice echoes of that trait in yourself, even in small ways?
I have difficulty sharing things today too because I was never taught that its important or how to do it. I am finally...in mid life...realizing this is a big part of where I have failed in relationships my whole life and now I am motivated to do better. I want my relationships to stay happy...solid...with a firm foundation. Not something shabby that is going to fall apart as soon as the shine wears off.
- Without judgement, describe a moment today or recently when that pattern showed up.
With everything thats happened this summer...my dad and my partners mom both dying within 2 months of each other, it has been a big test of this specific skill. We are still pretty precariously balanced, trying to find each other as we stumble through trying to navigate the grief we are both trying to not lean to hard on the other for support. Not trying to weigh each other down...but now growing further apart instead of together. I'm scared this wont work out...again.
2. The Hidden Gift
Many "shadow" traits can carry energy we can reclaim.
- Is there a strength or skill hidden in the part of yourself that mirrors what you resented?
Yes, I spoke of it the other day. His avoidance allowed him to be free in himself. He always did whatever he wanted. He went where he pleased and made money how he felt like. I don't know what the internal repercussions were of him living that way...in the end he admitted that he spent his whole life trying to not kill himself. sad.
- How could you consciously redirect that energy in a positive way?
I think a big positive that I am seeing is if I can continue on this trajectory where I am learning how to trust to communicate, so I can be clear as I move through life with my closest partners and loved ones. I never want to make anyone feel the way my dad made me feel when he did those things.
3. Unseen Emotions
Write down a feeling you often suppress - fear, jealousy, resentment, or guilt. ***fear, resentment, shame****
- Where do you feel it in your body?
The deep negative feelings usually show up in my gut. A sinking feeling, I feel sick, nauseous. I recently learned when I have an overwhelming amount of these feelings combined, it will trigger migraines in me.
- What story do you tell yourself about it?
I don't feel safe to freely express these emotions. Various people and situations have told me that if I reveal my vulnerable side, someone is going to take advantage of that...or take the opportunity to squash me. People who were someone I should be able to trust have shown me this time and again. Even my current partner.
- What would it say if it could speak for itself?
I don't know why everyone dislikes me so much. I am just a little girl who wants to be loved, who wants to love and enjoy life. I don't want to be taken advantage of or hurt please...just love.
4. Dialogue with your Shadow
Imagine your shadow as a separate figure sitting across from you.
- Ask it "What do you want me to know?"
- Record its response freely, without editing.
Other people don't bring you safety, you bring your own safety to yourself. If you were more cautious about who you give yourself to, then there wouldn't be so much opportunity for the ones you love the most to hurt you as badly as they do. Learn how to protect yourself as things are happening, so you can share more freely in the world. Learn to listen to people when they give you warnings.
- End with a line of gratitude for its presence and the awareness it brings.
I do appreciate this awareness that came to me without any negative feelings or self judgement. thank you.
5. The release ceremony
Pick one self-judgement or toxic pattern you want to release.
- Describe it in detail, as if giving it form.
I will take the time to do this later on paper as well, for now I will fill it out as i will when i have space:
I have spent my whole life telling myself that I am not good enough. For my dad, mom, sibings, to keep friends or partners. There is nothing about me that is worthwhile to keep around long term. I have difficulty keeping motivated in day to day life...i rarely keep a job in my life to pay my bills. I dislike chores. I can't even make my body appear the way I think is the most pleasing, except for one or two times in my life. Its all too hard. Everything that most people manage to do with seemingly small amounts of efforts all seems like climbing a mountain to me. I get overwhelmed so easily...i just dont try. i dont care. its not fun. I hate work and money. I don't even have the space to make effort to give basic honest communications about how i feel about important topics because i am afraid of displeasing someone and having to pay consequences of having a difficult conversation.
- Write a letter to it, then symbolically let it go - tear the paper, burn it safely, or bury it.
I will write it long hand later, then come back to edit this tomorrow or tonight to add the words i wrote.
- Reflect on how your body and mind feel after this small ritual.
I feel sick making this self reflection. scared someone i care about might see it. afraid of what the consequences are going to be. afraid that i will have been right my whole life....even my dad was right when he finally said "some people are just meant to die alone" (i just now remembered he said that. i had totally forgotten)
6. The Inner Ally
Shadow work can feel heavy - always balance it by connecting to your inner strength.
Tell me about it, I was ready to just walk away from this and leave the last section empty. it took me 30 minutes to come back.
- Write to the part of you that has survived grief, hurt, and betrayal.
You made it this far....if you look at statistics, this is more than halfway through, and you made it. Still without even a broken bone and so far no stitches except for after surgery! that is pretty impressive! Now that things are slowing down, try to take more time to enjoy life. there isnt much left. let yourself love...let yourself receive the love offered to you. Try not to fight when people are expressing themselves to make your connection with them better. Not everyone thinks the same as you do, most people are much more lenient.
- What advice, comfort, or encouragement does it offer to your shadow self exploration?
It's just knowing this is the only life this body gets. No one is going to stop me from living what I decide to be my best life...just like no one can stop me from living the worst one. Only I can do that. Doesn't matter what they think. Doesn't matter what they do or say either. The only thing that matters is how i feel about the job i did for myself...cause no one is going to stop me from dying either when that time comes. They wont pay my bills or change me, clean me or feed me. I am the only one who takes care of myself...i will take care of my brain too, make myself whole. attract like as i grow. I will grow.
Loading comments...