Today is a day, where i just remember. things vary, the feelings are up and down. i cry, laugh, smile..get mad sometimes. I got mad a lot when you were alive...i guess it makes sense i would get mad a lot after you died. at you. for you. about you. without you. because of you. i get mad, sad, happy, afraid, confused, loved, adored...how is this possible? from/for someone who has barely been present for most of the important years of my life? you showed up when i really needed you, you listened when no one else would. sometimes there were no words and that was okay. you gave me space when no one else would.
at the end...when you knew, before anyone else did. you pushed me. hard.i have always been there for you. you asked for help and then when you were okay...you pushed. you were afraid, but i wouldnt see it. not till it was too late.
your fear kept you from reaching out or asking for help. you thought you would be locked away...but i would have protected you. for so long you held this scary thing. you knew...i found out you knew for at least 2 years. slowly, your mind left you..till you couldnt pretend anymore and they needed to ask me for help.
There was a thing, something your mom did or didnt do. i asked you multiple times to tell me but you never did. it ruined your trust for humanity as a whole. you were never willing to trust anyone but yourself after that. i know she lied about who your dad was...i know your step dad made you feel loved. i wish you had told me what she did or said...what happened to make you feel like you were so worthless....such a biproduct, waste product of lower humanity. i wish you could see yourself the way i saw you...always.
When you got sick, i was so shocked. i never imagined you would die, or get ill before me...even though you are my father. suddenly the man i had always looked up to was unable to make his own choices...he couldnt remember minute to minute. didnt understand anything. the past lived strong in his mind though and i could have asked him anything. he told endless stories those last few months, as long as it wasnt too sensitive a subject.
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