I truly wish I was bearing good news. Things went south this year I don’t know what’s going on anymore. Unfortunately, me and my boyfriend split up. I’d have to say he broke up with me to be honest. It was mutual at first until I realized that’s not what I wanted and he clearly did not want me anymore.
I lost my job shortly after and moved in with my best friend temporarily with her family. I’ve been doing better and worse at the same time. While I’ve been keeping busy, I’ve also been pill popping again. Big shocker! Haha. I know, I probably said in a previous entry that I wouldn’t do it. But I am and it is bad. There’s nothing else that keeps me going anymore though. I still go to therapy and everything I’m supposed to do. I’m checking off lots of boxes of important things I’m supposed to do. I shower, I do my makeup, I help take care of the kids.
But the reason he dumped me is what gets to me. He doesn’t want me because I gained some weight from my meds and because of my mental health. He’s an asshole, truly. It’s one of the most demeaning things I’ve heard since I was bullied in high school by classmates and by my parents as well. I want to just absolutely hate him so badly but my love was true. So obviously I’m not going to stop loving him in that way til I finally grind down my heart into nothing again. I try to shove down my emotions often, yet that means they come spilling out of me whenever I do that. And I explode. Luckily I can feel my emotions during therapy, but what is that? Just two hours a week?
People are saying I dodged a bullet but what about the one I let pierce my heart from him? To think he was the one holding the gun is shocking and hurtful. It’s still sort of hard to wrap my brain around. What happened to my sweet sweet love? It feels like he died and something else came back. Some monster.
Anyways, that’s how my life is currently going. Broken up with, literally broke, and homeless sort of. Again. Hahahahahahaah.
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