wow i haven’t been on here in a hot minute, but i feel like i kind of owe it to myself to journal bc i’ve been going through… turbulent times internally (although there’s not much external stuff to deal with—on second thought, there are lol). found out some very interesting stuff about my ex and while i’m happy i dodged a bullet, i can’t help but feel sad, upset even, at his behavior. the manner in which i find out is so stupid too. i thought blocking him on tiktok and removing him from my insta was enough, but life really has ways to fuck me up, and the friends of his i’ve kept on my online platforms acted as a vessel to ruin my healing, so i ended up removing them too. i guess that’s why i’m bothered mostly. i probably don’t care or have feelings for him much anymore but just knowing stuff about him is making me feel so iffy. also, i wanted to open up about how fomo is wrecking me so bad. ever since i’ve lived with my mom i found myself unable to go to my friends’ spontaneous trips :( i’m never usually one to say no to these haha. a large protest is happening this sunday, and while i originally planned on going with my friends, i can’t because i have a funeral to attend. it’s interesting to find i have an anxious attachment when it comes to my friends but not really to my partner, where i believe i am more secure (?).
i’m celebrating that i finally have a part-time job also! they’ve been treating me so so well and i can’t thank my professor enough for giving me this opportunity. it just feels great to be of service—to the institution and to my family, since i can somehow help out. it’ll be difficult because i’m in my toughest year yet in college, but i know i can power through it haha… but dealing with a breakup and all is kind of taking a toll on me too. i recently started relearning the violin too! i just wish i had more time for my hobbies like the violin and gym… aside from time, i just wish i had more energy because when i do have time, i just spend it all to sleep T_T i’m very grateful to be distracted though, because these are opportunities that challenge me to grow~ :-)
it sucks to be lonely and see my ex kind of entertain (?) someone this early… when i knew that, i wanted to take revenge and be angry because i felt so betrayed—how could he jump ship so fast? i then hated the thought of remaining the bigger person as it felt like they were testing me. it took me a while to come into terms with it, and while i’m still processing it, i realized i shouldn’t stoop down to their level to prove something. like i may be sad now but this is just the best way to do it: focus on myself, my healing, dedicate my time to things that matter like my career and my hobbies. that way, i attract the Right person. first love by hikaru utada is really the song that describes me at the moment haha. it fucking sucks but i remember praying to God, to the universe, to give me challenges that push me to grow, to make me wise, to direct me where i’m meant to be… and well, i guess this is it. one day i’ll look back at this and thank myself for never losing track. i really hope i make it count.
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