So, I’m doing my masters program online. Makes it easier to manage work and other responsibilities. I really enjoy the flexibility. I’m taking two classes this quarter before I start my field internship in the winter quarter. It’s going really well so far. I’m really enjoying being back in a learning environment/state of mind.
Doing the asynchronous work is the hardest part though. Especially after coming home from work, it feels overwhelming to know I have three to four hours worth of lecture and questions and discussions to get through before class this week. I’m not dumb, I do pace out the work over the course of couple days. Just a couple hours every night and planning ahead for assignments and papers. It’s just the stress of it I think. I remember feeling like this in my undergraduate. I had frequent headaches then too. I think I just need to get readjusted. The weather doesn’t help though. We’ve been getting tons of rain and the pressure is not kind to my sinuses.
Today was an okay day. I’m still waiting for some textbooks to come in. Delays in shipping are stressing me out because classes have already started. I just want to succeed. I really want to put forth my best effort. So far, I have a 4.0 and I really want to keep it that way. I know that’s an absurdly high expectation because I know I’m not perfect and I should set realistic expectations. I just really want to feel accomplished in this. I’ve done well so far and I want to keep it up. I don’t know if this is expectation is helping me or harming me honestly. I should want more for myself, but when does that become unreasonable or unhealthy.
Maybe I’m doing this out of spite. I feel like I have something to prove. Honestly spite is sometimes a great motivator. I learned how to whistle out of spite. My grandmother always said “young ladies don’t whistle”. I did a lot of things to spite my family. I learned to whistle, started a tutoring service, got certified in CPR and First Aid, all because someone said that I shouldn’t or couldn’t do it. Is that unhealthy? Maybe. Do I regret it? No. Otherwise, I would have never pushed past those limits and expectations. So if being spiteful and petty is my motivation to keep moving forward and build myself up, then I’m going to use it to my advantage.
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